"Stalled" - - I Can't Go When Someone's Watching . . .Or Eating

I'm a sucker for independent movies. Not like those tryhard "art" films that explore the human condition, or as much of the human condition a 21 year old film student knows about. No, I'm a fan of the independent film that is somehow able to pack in the most punch for the smallest amount of time and money and still be as entertaining as the big boys.

In the same vein, I'm a huge fan of the "single set" film. Give me a house, a cabin; give me a cast and crew stuffed into their grandma's home over the course of 6 weekends. To me, that is the heart of filmmaking. Almost every director worth their salt started in this position. It's the passion, not the budget, that drives the picture.

Also, I'm sure being able to take shots like this and not end up in prison
drive the picture as well.

"Stalled" takes the "single set" film to a whole new level by placing 90% of the film inside a woman's restroom, and most of that action in a stall. One of the main characters, another stall-goer with a badly timed case of the dumps is never seen, only heard. Minimalism is the name of the game here and "Stalled" plays that game like a master.

W.C. is maintence man working late during a employee Christmas part. He walks into the women's restroom with his huge tool box, sets it down on the sink, and begins to plot his next move before he is interrupted two chirpish and overly friendly (with each other) girls. Hiding in the first stall he can sneak into W.C. gets a voyeuristic view of some light lesbian action before Girl One devours Girl Two.

Yes, this is a zombie film.

There is nothing sexy about this picture but since it's now on the Internet
someone, somewhere is getting a boner to it.

I recently made the case against horror/comedy films: The movie is so relentless in proving it's funny that the threat becomes too light. "Stalled" is one of the movies that gets it right. The zombies are a definite force of evil. The humor comes not from how dumb the zombies are or some weird self-referential nonsense but  W.C.'s reactions to his own predicament. After calling for help, a man wearing a suit of protective motorcycle gear bursts into the bathroom. He takes a proper hero's pose, then raises the visor on his helmet to show that he too is a zombie.

"No! Go away! No, I want LIVE people!" W.C.protests.

A large part of the entertainment value of this movie is how inventive W.C., and by extension the filmmakers, are. He's a maintenance man armed with just a screwdriver in his pocket but with that he is able to make modifications to the stall to buy him some time. To get out though, he's going to need to reach the tool box of heavy weapons on the bathroom sink.

This bathroom is still cleaner than mine.

But "Stalled" isn't a one man show. Well, it is, but he does have a co-star

She has a cute face but she's a little flat chested.

Evie is a young woman trapped a stall away. Never seen but always heard, Evie cheers him on and beats him down. She is both the cheerleader and the devil on his shoulder. While he can't see her he does sketch a picture of her. This works for him by giving him another human presence in his own stall and it works for us by letting us getting to know Evie without ever seeing her.

As the movie progresses, the idea that Evie is just all in his head is possible but the end result of her storyline is far more poignant. I think a lesser movie would have made her a simple ghost voice but "Stalled" is not a lesser movie. And hats off to actress Antonia Bernath who spends the entire movie unseen. To sign up for a film where you are never seen is a ballsy approach for any actor.

"Stalled" is not only a great zombie movie but a great independent film as well. It is inventive and extremely well made and deserves to be viewed by horror and film fans alike.

So . . .how about a little head?

"The Conspiracy" - - Brilliantly Scary and Scarily Brilliant

If the producers of "The Conspiracy" need a pull quote from a critic for their marketing materials, here is mine:

"'The Conspiracy' is brilliant and terrifying, watching this movie feels like a criminal act. You'll be looking over your shoulder for days after the movie ends. One of the best horror films, and hands down the best "Found Footage" movie I have ever seen."

It's a little wordy, I know. And if you can count I've now used the word "brilliant" three times including the headline of this post.

This movie is that good.

"Stitches" - - The 'Citizen Kane' of Killer Clown Movies

*Note: This movie is really, really gross. So be warned. This review is pretty gross too.

I recently said in my review for the legal drama/horror film "Killjoy Goes To Hell" that clowns do not scare me and I generally don't find clown movies interesting in general. I've had "Stitches" for awhile now but never got around to watching it. A clown movie. Gee, how original.

I watched the first ten minutes or so, where the titular clown Stitches bangs a clown groupie while sound effects played in the background. Ugh. Then he goes to a kid named Tom's birthday party and all the kids are mean to him but since he's already portrayed as such a jerk I didn't really have much empathy for him. Actually, at that point I didn't care about any of the characters. He ends up tripping and getting stabbed in the face with a butcher knife, then some other clowns showed up at a clown graveyard, and I paused the movie and took a nap.

Yes, this is literally the last thing I saw before I went to sleep.

"Under The Bed" - - This Is How It's Done

"Under The Bed" is the perfect film to review following "Alyce Kills" and "Zombie Warz: Falls The Shadow" because it does everything right that those two films did wrong. In and of itself, "Under The Bed" is a great throwback to the horror movies of the 80's but in comparison to the two previously reviewed films it really shows how some filmmakers just "get it."

"Under The Bed" tells the story of two brothers who are being haunted, actually more like hunted, by a demonic creature that lives under the bed. The movie begins when the older brother, Neal, returns home after moving away for two years. When the creature tormented him he tried to kill it by setting the house on fire. The creature survived. His mother didn't.

While Neal was away his younger brother Paulie moved into his room and also began to see the creature. Now that Neal is back and knows his brother is in danger they have to team up to try to kill it one more time.

This plot is reminiscent of the old school horror movies of the 80s like "The Gate," "Poltergeist," "Troll," "Return of the Living Dead 2," and countless others where suburban youths are confronted with unspeakable evil. This theme worked in the 80's because of the fear of nuclear war or rampant crime; the idea that children felt out of control in a world run by adults. These types of films fell out of vogue in the 90's but now with a new generation of filmmakers and fans dealing with post 9/11 fears of terrorism that sense of no power in the world is making a comeback. Also, the writers and directors of today were raised on those 80's horror gems and now they are making their mark in the genre as well.

How this movie works when a movie like "Alyce Kills" fails is the pacing. Both have a very slow build up. It can be said of both films that not much happens for the first hour and then the last 20 minutes it becomes a different film. With "Alyce Kills" the shift is handled poorly. In "Under The Bed" the movie is already so tense that by the time the creature goes on the offensive you realize the whole movie was leading up to it. Every scene lead into each other and while building the characters and relationships up it also let you know that once the monster was unleashed these people would be ripped down. "Under The Bed" is like pulling the pin on a grenade and not knowing when it's going to go off.

But when it does . . .

I also pointed out that in "Zombie Warz" that it didn't seem like a zombie movie because there weren't enough zombies. The argument could be made that the monster isn't in most of this movie either. The difference is that every decision that the characters make is based on the fact that either A) They believe there is a monster out to get them or B) They know someone who thinks there is a monster out to get them. The cast is split between those who have seen the creature and those who think the brothers are crazy. You don't have to have a monster in every single shot to make it a monster movie but the characters should react as it is always just outside their field of vision. That is what makes a good horror movie so tense. We're scared because they're scared.

The family dynamic in "Under The Bed is excellent as well. The two brothers whisper plans on how to avoid death at the cold dead hands of the creature while their father and step-mother try to deal with two children they love but just can't understand. The dad comes off as a dick but you can tell it's out of frustration. He already lost his wife and now he's losing his children, emotionally if not physically. The whole cast is great, from the neighborhood kids who gossip about the crazy kid who set his house on fire to the hot girl next door who wants to help her troubled friend but is out of her depth. These people seem real and that makes their journey even more frightening.

One of the creepiest moments is also one of the quietest. Speaking in hushed tones in the dark, Paulie asks his older brother Neal why it lives under the bed. "I read once," Neal explains, "that you shed a lot of dead skin cells in your bed. Like while you sleep, you know, your bed is full of dead skin, and pieces of your body. Maybe it starts by, like, feeding on . . .your dead flesh before . . ."

"Before that's not good enough anymore," Paulie replies.

Disturbing.

I like to use the term "Slumber Party Movie" and based on the title I figured this would fall into that category. A good scary movie to rent for preteens. This is in no way one of those films. If you show this movie to a kid be prepared for long sleepless nights. But I definitely recommend this film to fans of the horror genre and of genre filmmaking in general. It does more with it's limited cast and budget than many other movies accomplish with more resources.

Just make sure to keep the lights on.

"The Loved Ones" - - Worth The Nightmares

I can't review this movie. To review it is to spoil it and I want you to watch it the same way I watched it: with no idea of what it was about.

I posted the above trailer after watching 5 others, looking for the one that gave away the least amount of the twists and turns in this movie. If you're cool like I am with watching a movie blindly, skip the trailer and just watch the movie. If you need to know a little bit about what's in store . . .



This movie gets a definite recommendation from me. Brilliant directing, great acting, interesting subplots, it's tense, it's shocking, even my stomach churned at the implications . . .and then the implications become the reality. This isn't just "torture porn," it's one of those "What would you do/how would you escape" movies that has you on the edge of your seat, except this time the seat is bolted to the ground and your feet are  . . .

Seriously, just watch this movie. It's well worth the nightmares that will follow.

One of the things that I think elevates this movie over a lot of other movies coming out recently is the idea of the "Compelling Force." I've started to see a trend of movies that are simply violent for violence sake, and when the movie is something like "Saw" or "Hostel" I understand it, because you have two sides: the good guys and a Compelling Force that they either overcome or fall victim to. Even if the good guys lose there is a chance that they can win. "The Loved Ones" falls into this category.

Other movies, like "V/H/S" ditch the idea of a Compelling Force. It is just a series of deaths that cannot be avoided and by the time any concept of good or evil is established everyone is dead and the next story starts. I'm all for horror anthologies, but "V/H/S" and, from what I hear it's sequel, is just slaughter videos. The worst offender I've seen so far of this is "I Didn't Come Here To Die" which is basically a movie about a bunch of campers who just randomly drop chainsaws on their heads. What is there to overcome? What's the antagonizing element? You know a movie is bad when even I don't want to review it. "V/H/S" and "I Didn't Come Here To Die" is about being in the wrong place at the wrong time and dying brutally for no reason. "Hostel" is about being tortured by bored rich people but you can escape. "Saw" is all about outwitting the traps. Give me a compelling force and the movie becomes a narrative rather than a loose connection of bad gore effects.

"The Loved Ones" may put it's characters, both good and bad, in some pretty grotesque situations. But it's extremely well done and I think a new benchmark in psychological horror.

"Nico The Unicorn" - - Time To Grow Up

If you watched the above clip you saw two things: A kid unicorn, and a kid Elisha Cuthbert

Pictured: Not Kid Elisha Cuthbert

But in between those two things, you see the heart of "Nico The Unicorn." You see Billy Hastings scribbling in his notepad. He writes out the word "Unicorn" then using those letters he lists different combination until he settles on Nico.

This movie is about being a child. It's about being young and hopeful and at the same time mature and realistic. His father is dead and his leg is busted after a tragic car accident. He's in a new town and his mom is almost always working

But, he has a unicorn!

 . . .that he can't ride because of his busted leg.

After I watched "Nico" I found out it was based on a book. Honestly, that doesn't surprise me. It is well-plotted with intriguing characters and dark themes. For example, Billy gets Nico by buying a horse with a fake unicorn horn from a sleazy freakshow owner who we see drunkenly beat the horse into a coma.

Then there's a non-graphic but still kinda intense scene of Nico the unicorn being born.

And, of course, there's this:

 

Now that's what a kid's movie needs: A mountain lion versus a horse. And I'm not being facetious; I think the main failure of most kid's movies is that A) they're boring and B) they're simple.

A mother sacraficing herself to protect her child? That's some pretty heavy stuff for a movie like this but it works because it raises the stakes. It makes the characters, even the animals, worth carrying about.

We learn in "Nico" that the mountain lion is the natural predator of the unicorn. It's been awhile since my Unicorn classes at Unicorn University, but I'll accept that as a fact in this movie's universe. The mountain lion does continue to harass both Billy and Nico, but then you have nice layering with the fact that the sleezy freakshow owner hunts Nico down later, wearing a CAT construction hat.

This movie is fun and sad. It is charming and oddly dark. "Nico the Unicorn" is a movie that I would not only recommend to parents, but I would easily watch it again.

One last thing: the music in this movie: pure 80's fantasy. Great stuff.