"Centurion A.D." - - Trash Can v. Belt Man

What do you get when you take Christina philosophy about life after death, mix it with European mythology of the Wandering Jew, and add in a dash of modern day conspiracy theories?

Why, you get the best opening to a movie ever!

Yes, Centurion A.D, has it all, even a woman being beat to the beat. Luckily, our hero has trained so much by beating a hanging trash can that he is able to save the day.

But who is our mysterious hero? Why does he hate trash cans so much? The second question is never answered, but we soon (not soon enough) learn that actor/writer/director Brian Reed Garvin is ARCHER STONE, a man with a plan to  . . .well, do something.

"The Never Ending Story Part 3" - - When Bad Meets Ugly

Update: When I first wrote this review I was so puzzled by it I forgot to actually "review" the film. It's boring even for a kid's movie and the acting and directing are subpar. Jack Black as the leader of the Nasties gang is the highlight of the film and even if you didn't know how his career would turn out you could tell his level of talent was far above the material of the film. Skip this flick unless you want to use it as a test to see how dumb your kids are.

The Neverending Story was a classic. I don't like to throw that term around, just like I don't like to keep declaring a movie being the "worst movie ever," but the original Neverending Story was a classic. To me at least. It had the epic journey, the highs and lows, the hero growing as well as affecting the world around him . . .classic stuff.

A lot of people will point out two scenes in particular from the first one that sticks out in their minds: The Swamps of Sadness scene and the Rock Biter scene.




Even if you don't watch the video, just look at that screen shot. The Nothing storms behind him, devouring reality. The Rock Biter's eyes are filled with sorrow. He is powerless to stop what cannot be stopped.

His monologue begins: "They look like big, good, strong hands." Here was a creature that towered over the landscape. He was a walking mountain and never in his life did he ever face something stronger than himself. The Nothing was Death, a force stronger than time. Later in the movie the wolf Gmork describes The Nothing as "despair" created by humans who have forgotten how to hope. That's some heavy shit for a kid's movie. And make no mistake, this movie was marketed towards kids.

Now let's watch the Rock Biter from "The Neverending Story 3: Escape from Fanstsia"




THAT is a kid's movie. That is a dumbed down version of a classic film in every possible way. Why is the Rock Biter singing classic rock? Why, in a franchise about the power of reading, is one of the main characters watching television? And less important but just curious; how do rock people have babies? Why would a woman made of rock have curlers in her rock hair, and wear a rock apron? Wouldn't that be like a human wearing an apron made of human flesh?

The plot of the movie is serviceable albeit basic. The Nasties, a mystical force of meanness and a group of bullies (led by a young Jack Black) in the real world, are causing havoc. A few of Fantasia's creatures get sucked into the real world. We get to see Falco the flying luck dragon sweet-talk a 747, the Rock Biter baby ham it up on a mountain (I think he goes to Mount Rushmore but I could just be remembering that from a fever dream). Some big tree who oddly is a stereotypical Jew stumbles around the forest, and two elves who keep complaining they are about to shit their pants (no joke) hang out in a box carried by Bastion, the hero from the first two movies. This annoying group of freaks try to get the Auryn back from the Nasties . . .never mind, the plot isn't even serviceable.

Looking back on the movie now, it's just a hodge-podge of lame jokes and even worse special effects. There's a point in the movie where it becomes less about following the plot when out of the blue things like this happen:





Why is that scene in the movie? If it's because the daughter, Bastion's step-sister, is mindlessly watching TV then was do we see the Rock Biter baby doing the same thing early? I guess if it's rock and roll it's OK, since that's what the Rock Biter baby (I'm so sick of even writing his name) was watching. But the mom turns and see this:

she visibly shudders! They're not packing guns, or rapping about hos. Those guys are literally just entering through a fence somewhere and this is the mom's facial expression:

Why is this scene in the movie? That is basically what you are asking yourself the whole time you are watching it. Why is the tree a Jewish stereotype? Why does the ending show a chick with a Auryn tattoo? Is that Moonchild? Then why is she with the Nasties? When the Nasties find the Neverending story and realize it can warp reality, their only plan is to beat up Bastion. Why? In the first movie, the Nothing was created by humanity. In this one the Nasties makes people mean. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Wouldn't that be more profound; the world grows colder as Bastion grows up so his imagination is taking a beating. That's a story worth telling. That would be a fitting end to the trilogy. Keep in the garbage special effects. You can even keep in the rock baby wearing a rock diaper.

Just tell me a good story.



Why?

"Nico The Unicorn" - - Time To Grow Up

If you watched the above clip you saw two things: A kid unicorn, and a kid Elisha Cuthbert

Pictured: Not Kid Elisha Cuthbert

But in between those two things, you see the heart of "Nico The Unicorn." You see Billy Hastings scribbling in his notepad. He writes out the word "Unicorn" then using those letters he lists different combination until he settles on Nico.

This movie is about being a child. It's about being young and hopeful and at the same time mature and realistic. His father is dead and his leg is busted after a tragic car accident. He's in a new town and his mom is almost always working

But, he has a unicorn!

 . . .that he can't ride because of his busted leg.

After I watched "Nico" I found out it was based on a book. Honestly, that doesn't surprise me. It is well-plotted with intriguing characters and dark themes. For example, Billy gets Nico by buying a horse with a fake unicorn horn from a sleazy freakshow owner who we see drunkenly beat the horse into a coma.

Then there's a non-graphic but still kinda intense scene of Nico the unicorn being born.

And, of course, there's this:

 

Now that's what a kid's movie needs: A mountain lion versus a horse. And I'm not being facetious; I think the main failure of most kid's movies is that A) they're boring and B) they're simple.

A mother sacraficing herself to protect her child? That's some pretty heavy stuff for a movie like this but it works because it raises the stakes. It makes the characters, even the animals, worth carrying about.

We learn in "Nico" that the mountain lion is the natural predator of the unicorn. It's been awhile since my Unicorn classes at Unicorn University, but I'll accept that as a fact in this movie's universe. The mountain lion does continue to harass both Billy and Nico, but then you have nice layering with the fact that the sleezy freakshow owner hunts Nico down later, wearing a CAT construction hat.

This movie is fun and sad. It is charming and oddly dark. "Nico the Unicorn" is a movie that I would not only recommend to parents, but I would easily watch it again.

One last thing: the music in this movie: pure 80's fantasy. Great stuff.