"Centurion A.D." - - Trash Can v. Belt Man

What do you get when you take Christina philosophy about life after death, mix it with European mythology of the Wandering Jew, and add in a dash of modern day conspiracy theories?

Why, you get the best opening to a movie ever!

Yes, Centurion A.D, has it all, even a woman being beat to the beat. Luckily, our hero has trained so much by beating a hanging trash can that he is able to save the day.

But who is our mysterious hero? Why does he hate trash cans so much? The second question is never answered, but we soon (not soon enough) learn that actor/writer/director Brian Reed Garvin is ARCHER STONE, a man with a plan to  . . .well, do something.

"The Babadook" - - The Hipster Boogeyman

Wow, that trailer looks creepy!

And all movies are good as their trailer, right?

"The Babadook" is the Kickstarter-funded horror movie that supposedly wowed critics at Sundance but once again makes me think either all other critics are idiots or I am. The jury is eternally out on that one.

Style over substance is the name of the game here. While "The Babadook" does it's best to show it's a legitimate horror movie with the right lighting, cinematography, and sound, in the end it slams the breaks and says "Nope! I'm not a horror movie, I'm a REAL SERIOUS FILM!"

Either a scene from "Schindler's List" or "The Babadook," I don't remember.

"Hazard Jack" - - Dishonorable Discharge

It's always a bad sign when a trailer for a movie is only 42 seconds long, Well, technically it's 32 seconds long; the last ten seconds is a blank screen and the sound of heavy breathing.

Oh, if only the whole movie was as entertaining as those last ten seconds.

"Hazard Jack" is the story of a crazed serial killer who suffers from  . . .wait, I'll let the movie explain it:

OK, but there's an incomplete sentence down there. "Or" what?

OHHHHH,

"The Signal" - - Call Waiting

You can't have it both ways. You can't have a "deep" movie and then ask the audience to turn their brains off when something stupid happens.

Case in point: about an hour or so into the terribly paced and unimaginative sci-fi thriller "The Signal," one of our characters has robot forearms and he punches the ground. We then see a slo-mo explosion as guards start getting tossed by the shockwave and instead of being wowed by a cool moment I was wondering how his shoulder wasn't instantly dislocated.

Why robot forearms? Why not replace the whole arm? What about the upper body?

What is the signal? Who sent it and why?

Is this Kristen Stewart?

No, not the plank of wood, the girl in front of it.

None of these questions and more are left unanswered during this dull flick. (Maybe the Kristen Stewart one would have been answered during the credits but I couldn't watch any more.)

"Transformers: Age Of Extinction" - - Really, dude? Transformium?

It probably won't surprise any of my regular readers that I'm a fan of Michael Bay's "Transformers" series. Now, before you hipsters choke on your $100 scarfs, first let me say this: Why is it that people who hate "Transformers" seemed to love "Pacific Rim?" They're the same movie, except in "Transformers" I can actually see what is going on instead of watching two . . .somethings wrestle 10 miles beneath the ocean surface. They both have the same flaws (awful humor, boring "character" development). So why does "Pacific Rim" get a pass.

*I think you should know how bad this movie is if I'm comparing it to Pacific Rim, but let's continue on anyways.

"The Human Race" - - More Like Human Waste

Oh man, I seriously don't know where to start with this one, so I'll just take this moment to let you know "The Human Race" has an actor named Creep Creepersin as The Blob. That's all the info we are given. AND THERE ARE NO BLOBS IN THE MOVIE! There's several fat people, but which one is Creep Creepersin? And does Creep really exist or is it an inside joke? Well, according to IMDB he does. Creep Creepersin has directed a mind-bogglingly 35 films since 2006 and even has a kid named Cyle Creepersin. And Creep Creepersin was in a band called, you guessed it, Blind Melon. No, just joking, the band was named Creepersin.

Dude, I'm sure you're a cool guy and all, but despite what IMDB says, I don't think you exist.

"The Conjuring" - - How I Spent My Dumber Vacation

If horror movies were high school students, "The Conjuring" would be the overachieving preppy girl intent on going to Harvard. What I mean by that is this movie seems scientifically designed to have all the elements that make a horror movie great, but at the cost of it's own soul.

Everything in this movie works, from the opening musical notes during the production logo to the acting, directing, cinematography . . .it is all above board. But let's go back to the preppy girl analogy. As long as everything is going according to the rules she sets up, everything is fine. But deviate from that prescribed course and it all goes to pot. Something that is so tightly wound up, so technically perfect, falls apart when it is no longer in control.

This is what I'm driving at: "The Conjuring" is a perfect horror movie . . .to see in a movie theater. But remove it from that context (i.e. watch it at home) and it turns out to be really, really boring and generic.

"Pac-Man And The Ghostly Adventures: Mission Impacable!" - - Devourer Of Souls

So, yes, I know. What did I expect when I rented something called "Pac-Man And The Ghostly Adventures: Mission Impacable!", right? Well, I guess I kind of expected a movie. After I rented it (Redbox Exclusive!), I took a look at the running time. 66 minutes. OK, it's a short movie but that's whatever. I figured it would be 60 minutes of Pac-Man eating stuff. I used to watch the cartoon as a kid so let's pop this in and see what's in store.

"Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Watch Past Here."

An experienced movie viewer can tell you that you can judge a movie by the trailers accompanying it. So when I say trailers for a trilogy of cheap "Jungle Book" movie, one for another trilogy of "Donkey Kong Country" movies that look like they were rendered on a Nintendo 64, and *ugh* "Primates Of The Caribbean," I knew I was in too deep.

"Robocop" - - This Tin Man Has A Heart, But No Brain

Oh Robocop. How you influenced so many childhoods with your reckless violence. Back in the 80's and 90's, it was normal for an R-rated film to be made into toys and cartoons for kids. Rambo had his own cartoon, Aliens had it's own toy line, and Robocop had not one but two cartoon series along with a slew of action figures.



 "Robocop. Robocop. Roboooooooocop. Robocop. Robocop, Robooooocop. Oh Yeah. Robocop. Robocop. Robooooooooooocop. ROBOCOP!" Just in case you missed the lyrics.

So it's a little odd that an ultra-violent movie about the overreaching arm of corporate greed can become an animated series were Robocop has enough gadgets to have him promoted to Inspector, and then in turn become a PG-13 movie that spends half of it's time using animation in lieu of practical effects. But again, we're talking about an industry that turned a dark horror movie about a man eating plant into a Broadway musical, then back into a movie, then eventually into this:

My favorite episode is when the dentist
showed up high on laughing gas and pimp slapped Seymour.

But we're not here to discuss Hollywood's need to regurgitate it's product into every available medium. That's obvious and it's been said a hundred times over. The question is: "Is Robocop (2014), on it's own, a good movie?"

The answer, sadly, is no.

"Baby Geniuses 3" - - Where's Casey Anthony When You Need Her?

A long while back, a good friend of mine named Santiago had confessed something horrible that was happening to him that he was powerless to stop.

"My daughter, all she ever wants to watch is Godzilla (The Matthew Broderick version). Three, four times a day, it's just on repeat."

I worked at a movie theater when "Godzilla" came out. One of the privileges of working there was the free movies. Well, one day I had some time to kill so I went to the theater. Two "good" movies were playing at the time: "Godzilla" and "Deep Impact." The problem was "Deep Impact" was in theater 9, and there was a dead rat in there. It had been in there for a few days and despite several attempts we couldn't find it's corpse. Theater 9 stank so bad people would ask for their money back. Now, when you smell, what you are actually doing is inhaling the microscopic particles of whatever is causing the smell. So I knew I had a choice between watching "Godzilla" or inhaling decaying rat guts for two and half hours.

"Deep Impact" was a pretty good movie.

"Cat Shit One" - - Watershit Down

Oh "Cat Shit One," you know if any movie would bring me out of kidney stone induced retirement it would be something nonsensical like you.

"Cat Shit One" is the story of two rabbits shooting a bunch of camels in the Middle East. Iraq, presumably, maybe Afghanistan. It doesn't seem to matter. And that's the problem.

"Cat Shit One" is based on a comic book (or manga for you nerds out there) about an anthropomorphised Vietnam war. The rabbits were the US, the Viet Cong were cats, the British were rats, etc. No ninja turtles, so I never read it, but according to Wikipeida it's been an ongoing series since 1998. The Animated Series, of which there is only one episode released since 2010, updated the conflict an unnamed Middle Eastern country.

But you see, when I think of cats I don't think of Vietnamese people. The analogy doesn't quite work so it just is there. But when you portray Arabs as camels i.e. camel jockeys being a racist term, it's a little less fun and a lot more bigoted.

"And Now A Word From Our Sponsors" - - The Camaro Monologues

My friend Liz often says I'm the funniest person she knows. That's a bit of an exaggeration, or she doesn't know many people. And while I can usually change her mind about anything else, when I try to convince her otherwise, she just won't listen.

She's also been asking me lately why I never review comedies.

"It's because they are either terrible or funny. There is no in between," is my response. See, a horror movie can not be scary and still be good. "Cabin In The Woods" is not as scary as "The Ring" but it is incredibly entertaining. A Science Fiction movie can have a just a touch of Sci-Fi elements, like "Deja Vu" or "Primer" and also still work.

"Zombie Massacre" - - Farfrommovin

I rarely know what I'm going to get when I start a movie. I don't like to watch the trailers before I watch most movies; the less spoilers, the better. I know that seems odd considering I always include trailers and spoilers with my reviews, but for me, I'd rather go in blind.

So when I popped in "Zombie Massacre," or any zombie movie for that matter, I was filled with giddy anticipation. Will this movie be scary? Will I not want to go outside to take out the garbage? ("Event Horizon" caused me to leave my full garbage can to remain full until the next morning.)

Or will it be terrible?

The movie starts off in a nameless small town. Black rain pours from the sky. A woman gets a few drops on her hand . . .

Someone needs a Zombie Manicure! Ha Ha, I'll be here all week! 

Oh my God! That is so creepy, this movie is going to be hella good!

Wait . . .

Uh oh . . .

"Killer Holiday" - - Feels Like Corn

I watch a lot of bad movies, and because of that I have developed a high tolerance for them. A lot of people will say "X is the worst movie ever made." Sometimes it's hard to resist the temptation to label a movie as such.

And sometimes, it is impossible.

I will not say "Killer Holiday" is the worst movie I've ever seen. But it ranks up there as the worst slasher movie I have ever seen. Don't worry, valiant readers, I have proof.

"Choose" - - Snooze

Years ago, I caught a movie channel surfing called "Shredder." It was about a killer snowboarder killing other people who snowboarder, or a guy who hated snowboarders killing snowboarders or something. I don't remember.

What I do remember was Lindsey McKeon. She was the hot blonde who just wanted to soak in the hot tub and hang out with some friends, but instead she gets stabbed to death. But not before she stole my heart. I remember I was at my grandmother's house watching it and my mom walks into the room and asks: "Why are you still watching that gross movie?" Then she saw Lindsey in a bikini, muttered under her breath, and left the living room.



I did not have to Google for this picture. This is in my "Wallpapers" folder.

"The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" - - Even This Review Is Disgusting

When I was a kid, I was an idiot.

One day, I was chasing my older brother around the church parking lot and the ground was wet from the rain. Long story short, I smash through a stained glass window and slash my hands to holy hell. I got a ton of stitches and then one day I tripped and fell and ripped those stitches out of my hand.

I'm telling you this story because, while it hurt, I certainly didn't die. The pain was manageable. So if my mouth happened to be stitched (or in the case of this movie, stapled) to another man's ass and he begins to have explosive diarrhea directly down my throat . . .either I'm losing my mouth or he's losing his butt hole. But I'm out of there.

"Hey, it's me, the guy stapled to your ass . . .could you make sure
 that dog food is gluten free? Thanks."

"The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" is the sequel to "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)" and heir apparent as the most distressing mainstream movie made in the past decade. There are other, more visually horrifying films out there but few have achieved the press and notoriety as The Human Centipede (THC for short) series has. Even "South Park" had an episode based on this concept. There's even a video game. So until we see "A Serbian Film" skit on SNL, I think it's safe to say this series will be the gross-out king for most people.

Buckle in, kids. It gets pretty bad from here on out.

"THC 2" is the story of Martin, an obese security guard who spends all night watching the original Human Centipede and all day scrapbooking about it. He also has no dialogue in the film. He's not a mute; several characters reference the fact that he has talked to them, we just never hear him. Other than giggles, screams, and masturbating-with-sandpaper-induced moans, Martin is silent. The first part of the movie, and the most interesting, focuses on Martin's life and why he's such a weirdo.  He lives with his shrieking mother who tries to get him killed by a skinhead and when that fails, tries to murder him herself. Why does she hate her son so much? Well, he was raped by his dad and his mom blames him for the length prison sentence that follows such horrible acts. And now, as an adult, he sees a counselor who seems to have more than a professional interest in the already emotionally and physically scarred man-child.

So is Martin being set up as a victim? Someone we should feel sorry for? I think that might be up to the individual viewer but I never felt that way. His actions compared to the violence done against him don't come close to weighing out. However, it did make him a more understandable villain than the first THC and it's "mad scientist" gimmick.

One thing that is interesting about Martin's characterization is the fact that he's not an idiot. He comes across as feeble-minded but his plan to sew 12 people together ass-to-mouth requires a lot of planning. Jason Vorhees is more of a victim of circumstance than Martin is. Vorhees is a force of nature who simply acts on impulses. Martin is rational enough to plan events out weeks ahead of time. If he had not become obsessed with "The Human Centipede" movie something else would have trigged his path towards mass murder.

Martin collects people from his job as a security guard job. Every night he watches people looking for their car in an underground parking garage and then he walks up to them and either hits them over the head with a crowbar or shoots them THEN hits them over the head with a crowbar. Anyways, all of his victims are basically an assemblage of every type of person that a fat, white, basement-dweller like Martin sees as "part of the problem." We have Alpha Males, attractive happy women, and black people. Basically it's like if the Internet could choose as victims, these are they people they would sew ass-to-mouth to each other. Tom Six, the director, knows his audience.

His audience.

There's a scene where Martin attacks a black family in the parking garage, but spares the toddler. He even tries to console him before putting him back into the car. It could be seen as his attempt at sparing the boy the pain that he himself had been subjected too, but I saw it more as the boy was too small for his centipede plans. And if you have any doubts about his one act of true kindness, it is quickly forgotten as he beats the kid's pregnant mom down with a crowbar.

The middle bulk of the movie is Martin bashing people over the head with a crowbar to knock them out which became tedious and/or hilarious depending on the situation. A smash to the skull is not like a rag of chloroform. Martin is lucky he didn't end up with a Human Centipede that couldn't even make it into the Special Olympics. Everyone gets bang on the head multiple times and at one point it becomes like Wack-A-Mole as he walks around his warehouse bonking people on the head. And thus we begin the biggest problems with this movie.

The last part, nearly 30 minutes long, is Martin assembling his centipede. There is a long scenes of:

1) Knocking a dude's teeth out with a hammer, then scooping the broken teeth out of his mouth like candy corn (I'd rather swallow broken teeth than candy corn by the way.)

2) Cutting ass muscles open and killing a guy that way.

3)Stapling peoples mouths to other people's buttholes.

4) Having asthma attacks.

The best drinking game in the world would be if you took a shot every time Martin has an asthma attack. It's pretty sad when the dude who's mouth is full of diarrhea can breathe better than you. I guess it's supposed to build suspense, but come on, every 5 minutes Fatty Magoo is reaching for his inhaler. You want me to believe this guy hauled 12 bodies into and out of a van by himself? You don't have to outrun Martin, you can out walk him. You can probably out-stand him.

"247°F" - - Open Water 3: Closed Steam

Here's a little Hollywood breakdown for you:

Based On A True Story: This means that the film you are about to see is based off someone's life experinces. Generally, they have sold the rights of their story to the production company and then take a back seat. Many times, like in "Goodfellas," actual events and people may be truncated to allow the story to be told in 2 hours. Films that say "Based On A True Story" may not be entirely true in the purest sense, but they are at least true to the person who sold the rights since it is their point of view.

Inspired By True Events: This means someone once read an article or overheard something and turned it into a movie. "Open Water" is the best example of this. Sure, people have gotten left behind during scuba trips. And yes, that is tragic. But the actual events of the movie are pretty much made up. Using the logic of "Inspired By True Events," you could take the story of a missing kid that gets teleported into the future and say "hey, who knows. The true part is kid's go missing."

And finally we have the fence-straddling "Based On True Events" which is what "247°F" bills itself as. This means that what you are about to see is probably not true but closer to the truth than a regular movie." Of course, any time I see a claim of "true" on a movie I have to check IMDB right away to see how close to the truth it is. It's actually pretty distracting and really doesn't add anything to the movie. But I digress.

"Vamps" - - Legally Blood

When I'm watching a movie using my computer, it makes it a lot easier to review because I can take the screenshots right when I'm watching it. Usually, whether a movie is good or bad, I take maybe 6-8 screenshots and maybe post half of those.

While watching "Vamps" I took a record of 22 screenshots. The imagery in this movie goes from the unbelievable to the unbearable, but I think the best picture that sums up the whole movie is this one:

That is Sigourney Weaver's head on a skeleton's body. If you are looking at that picture and thinking: "Wow, those special effects look awful," trust me, they look ten times worse in motion. If this scene had been at the beginning of the film I would have wondered if I was having some sort of hallucination. But by the time this scene appeared the movie had already been so jaw-droppingly bad that I watched it with a laugh and a resigned shrug.

"Hostel Part 3" - - Drill Baby Drill

A bachelor party goes awry when the soon-to-be groom is separated from his friends in a dark hallway of a hidden "nightclub." Suddenly, a black bag is thrown over his head and he is strapped down into a wheelchair!

An ominous figure approaches . . .

A black gloved hand shoves a tube down his throat and begins pouring a mysterious liquid down a funnel . . .

Our hero gags! What is he drinking? Acid? Knock-out potion?

Nope! Just beer! It was all a part of his surprise party!

Megaman with his new weapon: the Censor Cannon.

"Smiley" - - 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree This Movie Sucks

*I am writing this review against my will but such is the arduous job of a critic. If I never wrote this, then I would eventually forget I ever saw it. But . . .my sanity must be sacrificed for the greater good.

There is a scene in "Smiley" about 20 minutes in where a bunch of people at an Anonymous party begin throwing empty beer cans at a guy named Binder while chanting "Pedobear! Pedobear! Does this get your Seal of Approval?!"

If nothing in the above sentence makes much sense to you; congratulations: You are a NORP. That's a Normal Ordinary Responsible Person. That's basically someone who uses the Internet for normal things like emails or reading the news. Maybe you chat once in a while with people around your age with similar interests.

You know, normal and ordinary stuff.

I knew exactly what they were talking about because I, like millions of others, exist primarily on the Internet and if we are disconnected it from it for too long we just bumble around like worker ants who had their scent trail wiped out. We tend to think of ourselves like Neo from "The Matrix" but really, come on, we're all just Pearl from "Blade."