I watch a lot of bad movies, and because of that I have developed a high tolerance for them. A lot of people will say "X is the worst movie ever made." Sometimes it's hard to resist the temptation to label a movie as such.
And sometimes, it is impossible.
I will not say "Killer Holiday" is the worst movie I've ever seen. But it ranks up there as the worst slasher movie I have ever seen. Don't worry, valiant readers, I have proof.
First off, let's start off with the box art of "Killer Holiday."
When I saw this picture at the Redbox I thought, "A killer clown movie, how original. But I do hate fun houses, so it might be good."
I get it home, pop it in and I'm greeted with this menu screen:
So imagine my surprise when this turns out to be the killer:
Yes, everybody, Criss Angel is on the rampage. See, there is no killer clown anywhere in the movie. And certainly not one with sharpened teeth. Instead we have Melvin "Spider" Holiday. He got his name Spider because his step-sister used to sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" to him as a child. He even got a spider tattoo to remind us of his name, although I'm wondering what would have happened if his sister preferred "Mary Had A Little Lamb."
Anyways, so between putting the movie in and finding out there is no clowns (other than the people who made this movie), the audience will be treated to some of the most distractingly edited scenes this side of public access show. More fartsy than artsy, we are treated to quick cuts, black and white shots, and flashbacks of events that happened mere seconds earlier. Sometimes the flashback contains entirely different dialogue. A hillybilly pops out and says "Hey!" and then less than a minute later we are treated to the same shot in black and white but now he says "Hello." The mind boggles at the decision making process that led to this combination of shots.
The two most irritating things though are the twist(s) and the fake outs.
First off, the Youtube trailer description starts with "A startling movie is revealed . . ." and it's neither startling nor revealed. It turns out one of the girls is working with Melvin to kill all these people. Wow. Big twist. I've seen that several times before, more recently in "All The Boys Love Mandy Lane." There's no link to that review because the movie was so snore-inducing it wasn't worth the effort. The idea of an "inside man" in these slasher films is nothing new and considering the fact the movie starts off with Melvin killing the girl's parents with her permission . . .why is this even considered a twist? There is a long scene where the killer corners her and acts like he is going to kill her but then they have sex. Luckily, in case you forgot he killer her parents there is, of course, a flashback. So why even waste our time with the whole scene of him acting like he's going to cut her open?
Well, that leads us into my second biggest gripe with this film: The fake outs. Again, this is standard horror movie stuff: you think a guy is about to be killed and then it turns out it's just a cat, or a friend playing a prank. "Killer Holiday" takes this idea to such an extreme it borders on parody.
OK, we clearly hear the sounds of a snake. And something big is making a lot of noise in there. Why? There was nothing in there except a big rubber snake. The bigger question though is why that dude was laying on the ground. Was he taking a nap? Was he dreaming he was in a better movie? The whole reason he was laying down so that we, the viewers, would think for a split second that a giant fake snake killed him. Then he just gets up and walks out.
But that was nowhere as bad as the following fake out:
What the hell? Seriously, what the hell was up with that entire scene. Not only is it a waste of my time as a viewer but it straight up lies to the audience. If the TV had just fallen in and nothing happened then he got killed, that would be one thing. But for us to hear the TV short circuit and then watch him jerk around for 20 seconds, then say "I'm OK." "You're OK?" "I'm OK." I don't get it. There's building tension and then there is deceit, and by the time this happened I had already been "tricked" so many times I was starting to get angry. (At one point they turn on the radio and a creepy girl is singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" then BAM heavy metal music starts. It was all a prank! But who knew about that song being important to the sister?!)
Back to the idea of the twists, which I touched on briefly, I want to let you know that the real "startling" motive is the half-sister of the killer is one of the girls on the road trip and he always wanted to meet her or some garbage. How killing all of her friends was a better idea than a Facebook request I'll never know. She ends up rejecting him and smashing his leg. She then goes back home and goes to bed and he appears at her bedside covered in blood.
The end.
I wish.
Just when you think it over, just when you think the nightmare that is "Killer Holiday" has ended, you are punished for your optimism by not one but two absolutely terrible songs that seem to have emerged from a recording booth in Jigsaw's torture chamber.
"Killer Holiday" is one of the worst films I've ever seen. It's not the worse, oh no, that's another story for another time. But it is the worst slasher film I've seen in awhile. Actually, nothing else comes to mind so it might be THE worse slasher film I've ever seen. It's boring and pretentious. The acting is mediocre at best. The directing is pedestrian and the editing is so bad I wouldn't be surprised if most viewers shut it off in the first half hour. There is nothing special about this film other than how bad it is.
To end, I want to present you with a screenshot of the most memorable part of this movie: A hillbilly picking his ass crack:
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| Does he have a copy of the script down his pants? |
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