"Zombie Massacre" - - Farfrommovin

I rarely know what I'm going to get when I start a movie. I don't like to watch the trailers before I watch most movies; the less spoilers, the better. I know that seems odd considering I always include trailers and spoilers with my reviews, but for me, I'd rather go in blind.

So when I popped in "Zombie Massacre," or any zombie movie for that matter, I was filled with giddy anticipation. Will this movie be scary? Will I not want to go outside to take out the garbage? ("Event Horizon" caused me to leave my full garbage can to remain full until the next morning.)

Or will it be terrible?

The movie starts off in a nameless small town. Black rain pours from the sky. A woman gets a few drops on her hand . . .

Someone needs a Zombie Manicure! Ha Ha, I'll be here all week! 

Oh my God! That is so creepy, this movie is going to be hella good!

Wait . . .

Uh oh . . .





Yes. Within the time span of 30 minutes, "Zombie Massacre" goes from one scary visual to a Butt-Rock filled film with muscle bound men beating little girls to death with baseball bats.

And since this movie is filled with not one but two useless flashbacks, I'll do a flashback of my own.

Before "Mad Dog" bashes that girl's head in, we get to meet "the crew." There is *sigh* Jack Stone, a former Army officer who killed some of his own troops because they were raping a woman. In prison for life, the government tells him he can go free if he goes to Romania and detonates a nuclear bomb in the infected city.

There is Eden, the katana-wielding swordswoman who doesn't speak for the first 30 minutes of the film. Not even a "Dude, look out! Zombies behind you!" Nope, nothing.

There's Dragan, a sniper who loves killing people and loudly complains that there better be some towns people to kill before the mission is over. And I'm not entirely sure, but either him and "Mad Dog" are either brothers or lovers. Or both. They had a real weird dynamic.

But lastly is John "Mad Dog" McKellen aka The Specialist. We know this because he is introduced as "John 'Mad Dog' Mckellen aka The Specialist." But wait, wouldn't he be John McKellen aka Mad Dog? Or is Mad Dog actually part of his legal name?

Anyways, the group goes off to drop a nuke and are shocked, SHOCKED!, to find out they've been double crossed and they have no chance of escaping the nuke because it's welded to their truck. This turn of events leads to the funniest visual: they spend the rest of the movie driving around in a Volkswagen Bug convertible, easily the worst vehicle to ever have during a zombie invasion.

"Shouldn't we at least put the top up?"
"On a beautiful day like this? No way!"

To say that picking a Bug as your getaway vehicle is the only bad decision these characters make is an understatement. Jack Stone's gun jams so he throws it to the ground and then rolls blue barrels at the approaching zombies ala "Donkey Kong" style. Eden has two swords but oddly refuses to share them forcing "Mad Dog" to fight hand to hand. Don't get bitten by a zombie, but its ok to punch them in the face several times.

Actually, in this movie no one ever says "Don't get bitten by a zombie or you'll become a zombie" which makes it all the more puzzling that, when a guy finally does get bitten he blows his brains out. Why? I understand this is a zombie movie but they don't know the rules. There is usually at least some idea of how the infection is spread. Considering it started with rain, it's a huge leap of logic to think "Oh no, I got bit! Time to blow my head off!" For all he knew, he was going to turn into some cool ass werewolf. Or a vampire. OR NOTHING AT ALL!!!

The only other working vehicle in this movie is a, you guessed it, a Volkswagen Van. Yes, the obvious choice for the apocalyptic environment, no zombie can catch up to the highest technology the 1970s could muster. In the van we meet Doug and Claire, they're on vacation. Because who doesn't love the scenery of post-war Romania.

"I'd rather take my chance with the zombies, creep."

Based on the above picture, you'd think she was his prisoner. In fact, I thought the twist was going to be he was on some sex vacation and was a pervert. But no, he's one of the good guys. One of the creepy old man good guys.

Now I know what you are thinking. "Wow, how did such a young girl end up with such an old man?" Well, we never really find that out because, according to Doug, she doesn't talk much.

Specifically, he says: "She don't talk a whole bunch. But believe me she has many fine hidden qualities."

Think about what he just said, let's look at this picture again before we move on.

Seconds later, Zombie Chris Hansen appears.

"Don't take it personally, big fella. She's been the silent type since her psycho brother killed her entire family with a hammer."

Wait. What?

Five minutes later, Claire is eaten by a zombie. What is the point of dialogue like this? They were on vacation so this had nothing to do with the outbreak. Was this to explain why she didn't talk during her 10 minutes of screen time? I'll assume she's not with an actor's union so she couldn't have speaking lines during the film, but come on. If you hadn't said anything I would have never questioned it but when you say she doesn't talk because of something that horrific, and then just kill her off anyways what is the point?

"Zombie Massacre" is filled with some of the most inane dialogue I've heard in awhile. At one point the President of the United States (played by producer Uwe Boll who has a heavy German accent) calls up his lackeys via video phone and says "Carter, you remember me? I'm the President Of The United States."

I would love to see President Obama Skype a General in the field and they answer "Uhm, who is this?"

"To be fair, sir, you do all look alike. Presidents, I mean. I'm fired, right?"

To add a bizarre cherry to an already odd sundae, the movie ends and then tits. Tons of tits for no reason. The movie cuts to some estate in South America or something, and all these topless women turn into zombies and the gardener blows them up with a shotgun.

After the movie already ended.

I guess I shouldn't say "no reason" because I know why they are there: movie investors love tits. It helps sell movies. But for this scene to take place after the actual narrative had ended gives this movie the Video Vandal Award for Most Gratuitous Nudity In A Movie. And that's a hard award to win.

"Zombie Massacre" is a pass unless you are a Volkswagen enthusiast, a German born U.S. president, or a man who is so desperate to see boobs they can watch an hour and half of no boobs. So basically nobody.