"Hazard Jack" - - Dishonorable Discharge

It's always a bad sign when a trailer for a movie is only 42 seconds long, Well, technically it's 32 seconds long; the last ten seconds is a blank screen and the sound of heavy breathing.

Oh, if only the whole movie was as entertaining as those last ten seconds.

"Hazard Jack" is the story of a crazed serial killer who suffers from  . . .wait, I'll let the movie explain it:

OK, but there's an incomplete sentence down there. "Or" what?

OHHHHH,



Yes, "Hazard Jack" is the story of a Gulf War veteran who has PTSD so he goes on a killing spree. As tasteless as that is, it does make sense. However, after the intro showing Hazard Jack having flashback in his boss's office, he then spends the rest of the movie killing people with construction equipment.

So first off, what's up with the PTSD backstory? Why not just make him a crazy construction worker? Was it to add some sense of social commentary to an otherwise by-the-numbers slasher flick?

"Damn, girl, you look fine. I hope you don't get killed off-screen and in
an unimaginative way."

When I first heard about the premise to "Hazard Jack" (a killer with PTSD) I first rolled my eyes, and secondly realized I had to watch it. So their gimmick worked. If I had been told it was about a psycho construction worker I would have passed.

But if you're going to do the deranged solider thing, do it all the way. Have him build IEDs, bury people in spider holes, and convert them to Islam and then flush the Koran down the toilet. Nobody was waterboarded to death in this movie. At no time did he say "There is no exit strategy" as people were running away, or "Drill, baby, drill" when he stabbed someone. If he had shouted "Mission Accomplished!" after cutting someone's head off this movie would have been 10 times better. Instead we just get a construction worker who chases kids around with power tool, and he doesn't even do that until 40 minutes into the movie.

The first 40 minutes is introducing us to the most unbearable characters on a scale like no other. There's bros and babes, a nerd and his crush, a 'filmmaker' who pulls out his cell phone while getting a blow job, two gay cooks, and a gold digger. What brings them all together? Why, paint ball, of course! You couldn't expect this disparate group of people to actually be friends otherwise it would seem weird when they all started splitting up and remain in small groups even when they hear power tools and human screams down the hallway.

"Good thing my boss let me steal all this equipment when he fired me."

Hazard Jack himself is a muscle bound freak in a welding mask so, to the actor's benefit, we never see his face so he can always sneak this role onto some other actor's resume. He trudges around the abandoned hospital/empty box factory as slow a human can move when he's 90% bicep. With cleaver/drill/power saw (it changes from scene to scene) in meaty hand, Hazard Jack dispenses . . .uh, justice(?) on any and all who dare to sneak into the abandoned hospital he has no previous relation to. Jason Voorhees had Crystal Lake, Freddy had Elm Street, and Hazard Jack has some place that he walked by one morning.

That's no exaggeration. The movie ends with Hazard Jack just walking down the street looking for some new digs. So the bad guys win? Nope, Hazard Jack is actually blown to smithereens when he power saws open a container of pressurized gas. But I guess PTSD makes your skin impervious to all types of damage. Wow, if the Army knew that they'd stop counseling their soldiers ASAP.

The ending credits is overlaid against a confusing montage of homeless people. Why are these people in the movie? Is it supposed to show that our veterans are ending up homeless and people like Hazard Jack shouldn't be fired from their construction jobs even though they continually beat the shit out of their co-workers? Or was the director just driving from the set and forgot to shut his camera off?

"Hazard Jack" is definitely a pass, even for the most dedicated horror movie fan. While the movie did have some nice touches with lighting and mood (neither of which comes across in the terrible resolution on the trailer seen above) the gore was minimal to non-existent, Horror movies don't need to be goofy but they should be enjoyable to watch on some level. If they had gone all the way with their hook and we had a crazed soldier shouting stuff like "Shock and Awe" as he electrocuted his victims this movie would have a cult following simply out of irony. Instead, we get the same old thing.