Oh man, I seriously don't know where to start with this one, so I'll just take this moment to let you know "The Human Race" has an actor named Creep Creepersin as The Blob. That's all the info we are given. AND THERE ARE NO BLOBS IN THE MOVIE! There's several fat people, but which one is Creep Creepersin? And does Creep really exist or is it an inside joke? Well, according to IMDB he does. Creep Creepersin has directed a mind-bogglingly 35 films since 2006 and even has a kid named Cyle Creepersin. And Creep Creepersin was in a band called, you guessed it, Blind Melon. No, just joking, the band was named Creepersin.
Dude, I'm sure you're a cool guy and all, but despite what IMDB says, I don't think you exist.
Anyways, let's get past Creep Creepersin and his blobiness and move on to "The Human Race." Now, I will warn you that this review may seem jumbled but trust me, I'm just trying to lay this movie out as easily as I can.
"The Human Race" is a race where 80 people are magically teleported to what appears a SyFy channel movie set and are forced to run around until there's only one left. If you touch the grass, you die. If you don't follow the arrows, you die. If you get lapped twice you die, and if you get lapped twice by the Blob he eats you. I think.
Since the movie has 80 characters, you figure they'll just focus on a few and the rest are cannon fodder. So we get to meet Justin, the well-meaning Vice Principal of a school for the disabled. We meet his fellow Army veteran Eddie, who lost his leg in Afghanistan but doesn't let that keep him down.
But then we have Deaf Male and Deaf Female, two of the main characters in the movie, and they don't even get named. They are accompanied by Stressed Out, Evil Brother (who's brother?), Yellow Jersey and his sinister compatriot Orange Vest, Enigma Runner (What?), Out Of Breath Runner (How do you audition for that part? Do you get it if you have the least amount of lung capacity?) and finally JohnRobert Schoen as The Big Guy . . .wait, so the Big Guy and the Blob are two different characters? How would you feel if you auditioned for the part of "Big Guy" and instead got cast as "The Blob?"
Oh this is going to be a long review, it might help if I actually get to the movie, but first I'd like to give a shout out to Amber Jenkins as "Secretary Victim Sally." Now, first off that is what I always planned to name my daughter but more importantly, on IMDB she is the only one given a character bio. Let's read it:
"Secretary Victim Sally was filing papers in the office when all of the sudden a white light surrounds her. Suddenly she finds herself part of The Human Race . . ."
A sudden white light AND suddenly in one paragraph? Sounds exciting. Although why this character is the only one with a bio . . .
"Top Contributors (for bio): PaulHoughEntertainment, AmberJenkins."
Moving on . . .
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| I love this picture for two reasons: 1) That dude with the walker is totally boned 2) That woman was just told by a voice in her head she had to race or die and she looks like someone just told her anything other than that. Like the voice said "Hot Dogs are good" or "Shoes are not envelopes." |
The movie is set up like it's going to focus on cancer survivor Veronica, but she immediately steps on the grass and her head blows up. That's kind of a nice touch. It adds to the sense that anyone can die. The first act is about laying out the rules of the game and everyone running laps. This is actually the strongest act because it is fairly realistic. Some people barrel ahead not caring who they lap while Eddie and Justin try to help people out. Do they try to stop everyone from running so no one can be lapped or is it every man for himself?
Then the movie immediately falls apart when the bad guys show up.
Yes, in a movie where 80 strangers are teleported and forced to run for their lives, you have to have bad guys, right? Otherwise,where's the tension? The hilarious thing as that the bad guys are not bad for the first act. They're Orange Vest, Evil Brother, and Shawn Coyne. Now, Shawn Coyne isn't the character's name, it's the actor's real name. His character is not only not given a name, he doesn't even appear on IMDB's credit list! How would you feel if you got left off of a credit's list if "Lady Running," "Hospital Attending," and "Festival Founder" were on there . . .in a movie with no festival!
So a little backstory on the bad guys. Seconds before they turn bad, one of them steps of a dead baby's hand and then laughs about it. A light bulb suddenly goes off in Evil Brother's head. "Hey, let's just start killing people!"
Oh, you, you were wondering where the baby's hand came from? Oh, nowhere really, just the fact that since the baby was 8 months old it was considered a runner so when the mother got lapped twice her stomach explodes right before her own head does. You know, where all baby hands come from.
At first, the newly appointed bad guys stab a guy with a foot long spike, and then for some reason slap him over and over again until he dies. Then, Evil Brother decides it would be quicker and easier on his hands to just push people into the grass. Then he actually says "Let's grass their ass."
Why are they high fiving each other? Was it really that brilliant of a plan? And they kill 10 people this way! You think by the third or fourth one they'd get tired of high fiving. Wasn't part of this plan about saving Evil Brother's pimp hand undue duress? Wouldn't the other runners eventually wonder why THERE WAS A PILE OF BODIES right in front of them? Well, they don't and then one of the dumbest action scenes ever filmed happens when Eddie the one legged Vet falls into their Anti-Slap Trap.
Now, I'm not knocking the fact that Eddie could probably take on Evil Brother, Orange Vest, and Shawn Coyne given his prior military training but come on, really? That move he executes is so ridiculous and it would only work in one situation: that one. What house has a wall like that? If that room was laid out any differently he would have fallen flat on his ass. It took me a few viewings to realize he was headbutting Shawn Coyne because I was laughing so hard. But what if Shawn decided to stop and eat a banana, or Evil Brother wasn't moving at the exact same velocity so they both reached Eddie at the same time, or what if the floor was really slippery because it was covered in, hmm I don't know, the blood of 10 humans?
Anyways, that's the end of the bad guy subplot and then we move on the the longest, and most disturbing part of the movie: The Deaf Couple.
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| The couple, or at least the important part of the couple. |
Deaf Male and Deaf Female are introduced as a bickering pair of friends in the beginning. After they are whisked away to The Human Race they keep each other motivated and sane. When Deaf Female laments that she doesn't want to die until she hears music, it is Deaf Male who has to keep her going for the sake of living.
Then he tries to rape her.
Actually, that's incorrect. First, he tries to kiss her and she backs away.
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| "That's cool because I'm into incest!" |
Then he says "Dude, we're going to die anyways, so why don't we kiss?" So she decides to kiss him and he pulls her to the floor and begins to fondle her, or talk dirty to her, it's hard to tell, and she pushes him off. He is immediately sorry, and she forgives him.
Then he bashes her head in with a hammer and takes her clothes off.
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| I'm pretty sure this is Sign Language for "I'm a disgusting pervert." |
Why any of this is in a movie about a race that kills you is beyond me. Is it a commentary on how humans treat each other? Maybe, but it falls short because EVERYONE in this movie is an asshole. Eddie, the good guy, strangles Orange Vest to death with barb wire while Orange Vest is strangling another guy. But Eddie wraps the barb wire around both people's necks and kills them both. He didn't even know the guy under Orange Vest. Maybe it was "Running Business Man" or "Running Lawyer." Maybe it was the elusive Blob. We'll never know because Eddie murdered him because he was in the situation of already being murdered by Orange Vest. Wrong place, wrong time, I guess.
Dead Female wakes up at the right moment and grabs her own hammer, but doesn't bash his head in she pushes him in the grass. Was this movie sponsored by the Anti-Grass industry?
So let's wrap this up. It's down to Eddie and Deaf Female.
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| Twist Ending! Deaf Female is only a foot tall! |
Deaf Female and Eddie realize that the huge poles surrounding the arena are actually angel traps. Like, literal angels are being impaled on them. Luckily for us, the audience, Deaf Female can talk for this one scene as well as accurately pronounce words like "angel" and "torture" despite never having heard anything her entire life.
Then, after seeing God's most valiant creations struggle for their life, what else is there to do than push a disabled war hero on to the grass?
But wait! See, the rules said you're feet had to touch the grass! And he has crutches! Wait, no, it didn't say that. So if a guy on crutches can skirt the rules what if a dude in a wheelchair was in the race?
Good guy Eddie then chokes Deaf Female to death because at this point, why not. Eddie wins! And who would have thought a trained military veteran could beat a 110lb girl who suffered a traumatic brain injury via steel pipe and endured two rape attempts in the last 20 minutes. Man, this is like the Foreman/Ali fight all over again!
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| "Say Uncle! SAY IT!!!" |
Eddie is declared the winner and at this point he is told that he will represent the Human Race in a contest against aliens. He then climbs a small hill and slightly cranes his head and realizes "OMG I'm not on EARTH!!!"
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| "I knew something was fishy when I felt that massive gravitational pull on every atom in my body!" |
Despite the fact that several characters should have noticed the humongous moon over the course of several hours outdoors, this comes as a total shock to Eddie. Although I guess it is nice to know that somewhere out there on an alien planet there is a perfect replica of the director's house and a local high school's track the question is why? Why make people run laps with such arbitrary rules when this is the next guy you face?
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| Yeah, I don't think that Crutch Fu is really going to hurt this guy. |
That's it. That's the end of the movie. All that running for what? That dude has wings! Is it supposed to show humans triumphing over adversity? The last shot is Eddie looking determined and walking towards certain doom, but I have say I'm rooting for the alien. I doubted it barbwire choked two people at the same time and killed a young girl.
"The Human Race" has an interesting premise but it trips all over itself. People running and surviving would be enough. Why have all the villians? The most interesting "villain" was the dude who just kept running past people. He didn't want to kill them he just didn't want to die. By adding Evil Brothers and deaf rapists, the movie seemed to be saying "Look, it's act 2, time for a change up!" Under better guidance "The Human Race" would have had a better chance at being a good film, but as it is, if this movie was a baby, I'd run past it.
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