"Horny House Of Horror" - - I Don't Pay For Women Or Water, Because I Get Them Both Free

So, originally I was going to review "Starry Eyes," a horror/thriller about what it takes to be famous. I was also considering "Sinister," or the mind-bogglingly good "Coherence." But as I sat down to eat Thanksgiving leftovers (thanks Mom!), I popped in a movie in this movie. Because what goes better with turkey and mashed potatoes than this image shown at the start of the film.

I have no idea what is going on in this picture, and I'm okay with that.

After pausing the movie, washing my brain, and watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation while I regained my appetite and finished my meal, I sat back to discover the wonderful, horrifying film that is free on Youtube known as "Horny House Of Horror."





After a short comic strip of the life of the average brothel customer, we are introduced to Nagisa. As one of the employees of Shogun Massage Parlour, her job is to bring a man to ecstasy before removing his dick. Which may sound brutal, and it is, but if you ever go to a massage parlour and the girl starts wrapping your penis in sushi wrap, you're kind of asking for it if you don't stop her before she bites it off.

"You eat sushi like popsicles, right? Right?"

We then cut to a trio of lifelong friends after their last amateur league baseball game. Nakastu is getting married and his soon-to-be wife doesn't want him hanging out with the like of Uno, the resident horndog, and their goofy sidekick, Doshida. On their way home after a loss, Uno convinces the two of them to visit the brothel that will be their undoing.

And learn from my mistake: It will also be the undoing of your appetite.

"Horny House Of Horror" takes one of my least favorite genres, the horror/comedy, and makes it fresh again. Most of the time, the combination of these two genres create a complete mess. Zombie movies lately seem to want to be comedies as well but you can either laugh at the threat or be scared of it. "Zombieland" is an excellent example of how to do it right; the zombies are a true threat. What is funny is the characters interactions with each other, But several films get this mix wrong.

In this movie, the humor comes from the personalities of the trio of luckless men. But once they are in the clutches of the three brothel workers and their boss/bodyguard, the movie kicks into a semi-serious mode. And once they begin to be dispatched, the movie moves to full blown horror.

Like all good horror movies, the deaths are imaginative. One man gets his junk snapped off by a set of steel teeth inserted into vagina of the schoolgirl uniform wearing Nonoko. She's the biggest threat to our heroes and she truly enjoys her job.

Another man gets tested in a tortuous game: he is forced to watch Kaori strip in front of him while . . .

Nakastu, the main protagonist, is almost treated to handjob with lube made from acid but quickly escapes, and the last act begins in earnest. With the innocent acting whore-with-a-heart-of-gold Nagisa at his side, the bloody conclusion comes to an end with blood, bullets, and a devastating punch to the head.

At a slender running time of an hour, give or take a few minutes, "Horny House Of Horror" never bores. There are a few quiet moment before the massacre begins but these are important for the characters' growth. Sure, it's a movie about sex workers cutting off cocks for their bosses insane fetish, but that doesn't mean it has to be shallow. When the bodyguard tries to befriend Nagisa, it makes their inevitable clash all the more intense.

The movie also has a cool 70's retro-porn soundtrack to bring the entire film together. Bass riffs fill the film out and remind you what you are watching: a pure genre flick.

I recommend "Horny House Of Hell" to fans of bizarre horror films or low budget films in general. The entire movie takes place in an alleyway adjoining the massage parlour and the parlour itself. With inventive use of set design this movie belies itself of higher production values than it probably had. It will never be on the critics' darling list like "The Babadook" but it is far more entertaining and has much better character development (even in the last moments truths are revealed) than that film could hope for. Check it out.

"I had my dick bit off, but they didn't get my
 thumb so I'm okay" said no man ever.