Tuesday, October 15, 2013

"Hostel Part 3" - - Drill Baby Drill

A bachelor party goes awry when the soon-to-be groom is separated from his friends in a dark hallway of a hidden "nightclub." Suddenly, a black bag is thrown over his head and he is strapped down into a wheelchair!

An ominous figure approaches . . .

A black gloved hand shoves a tube down his throat and begins pouring a mysterious liquid down a funnel . . .

Our hero gags! What is he drinking? Acid? Knock-out potion?

Nope! Just beer! It was all a part of his surprise party!

Megaman with his new weapon: the Censor Cannon.

After a few other diversions (and lots of nudity) our bland protagonist gets too drunk. Or did someone slip him a Mickey? He stumbles out of the club and vomits into a conveniently placed trash can. I say conveniently because it's outside even though A) The night club is supposed to be hidden and B) the door locks behind him.

Now he's stuck outside and can't stand up. He was drugged! An ominous taxi cab driver stares at him as he falls to the ground. Before he passes out we see the taxi cab driver walk towards his limp body.

A shot of a dark van driving away. A secret fortress in the desert. The Elite Hunting Club has found a new victim . . .

We then cut to our luckless friend waking up to a loud grinding sound! Then a close up of a red gory mixture! Oh no, is someone getting their hand stuck in the disposal? Is this where they dispose of body parts?

Nope! He's back at the hotel and his friends are making him a smoothie!

"It's made out of red herring."

We are now a half hour into the torture porn wanna-be "Hostel 3" and nothing has happened. Nothing torture related, at least, and while I hope most of the movies I watch don't have a torture scene in it, that's kind of the point of a "Hostel" movie. "Hostel 3," however, seems to forget that because the first half is more like a really boring version of "The Hangover."

After it is explained that the sketchy cab driver took the fiancée back to his hotel room instead of a torture chamber and just left him on the couch, we find out that one of their friends is missing. They then drive around Las Vegas looking for him but instead track down a stripper and her burly, shotgun-wielding boyfriend/brother/father who decide to help them find their friend because her friend is missing too.

Oh, but the car doesn't have enough room to fit all of them, so they leave the burly man and his shotgun and take off. Oh the places they'll go!

I googled "Dr. Seuss Torture" for that joke and this picture came up.
Because nothing says "Dr. Seuss" like muscular balls.

"Hostel 3" takes place in America whereas the previous two took place somewhere in Eastern Europe which really doesn't make much sense. Hostels are where college kids and tourists can spend the night and drink, but I'm pretty sure in America they're called "10 feet outside my window at 3am on a work night."

The other big difference is that in this one people don't pay to murder, but they pay to watch people get murdered. The fact that I can type in "Dr Seuss Torture" and get the above image shows on the internet you are never more than two clicks away from some twisted stuff. If all you want to do is watch people get murdered you can do that at home in your underwear.

Or they could just rent a Hostel movie.

"Hostel 3" is boring, the acting is bland, and the cinematography looks like a low budget CW show. It is never dark or scary and the tortures themselves are pretty ridiculous. In between a man getting his face sliced off . . .

"My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R . . ."

. . .and a sword/chainsaw fight where neither person is sworded or chainsawed, we get a woman who is sprayed with a mysterious chemical (more beer?) that causes cockroaches to crawl down her throat and a man who is shot in the dick with a crossbow bolt, then shot 8 more times. A dude takes a mace to the chest and another duel, this time fire ax vs shotgun, ends with both people dying. Because you know those shotguns don't work unless they're in ax-wielding range.

One guy is laid down on those tire spikes because the only way out of the exploding (yes, exploding) torture facility is through the wrong-way spikes. Luckily, that guy is the exact length of the front end of an SUV so he provides just the right amount of coverage.

If he was midget, would the escape be made on a Segway?

Another guy gets his arm cut off and then thrown into a crematorium because why not, right? I mean, the explosion is going to kill everyone anyways so why not take the few extra seconds to toss an arm into a raging inferno when a bigger inferno is on it's way?

In the end, all that is left of our hero is an urn with his ashes in it. His best friend and the hero's mourning bride share a moment of loss and remembrance . . .

"All that was left of him were these ashes, and his surprisingly muscular balls"

Then the hero reappears, face scarred all to hell from the explosion and he beats the crap out of his best friend and eventually tortures him to death in his garage while his faithful lover looks on in glee.

Oh did I tell you that his best friend was part of the murder club? Oh . . .I didn't? Well that's ok because they never tell us who was in that damned urn! Did she always just have a cremation urn in her house. And why is it so big? Who was cremated, Jabba the Hutt?

"Hostel 3" tries to be a mystery and a torture movie in one but it doesn't work. The audience knows the mystery, it's torture, and we know that because that is why we watched it. And the torture scenes are unimaginative. In one scene a guy is strapped to a chair and the room begins to fill with gas. Acid gas? Poison? Steamed beer? Nope, just mist, and a woman walks in and shoots him in the nuts with a crossbow.

There's also this weird game called "Wheel of Misfortune" where the people watching can vote on how people will die. The poor chap had a an over/under of "Nine Arrows" on him, so basically it's the most rigged betting in the world. I mean, you could just keep shooting someone in the foot or make the first shot a head shot.

Did you know a silverfish can live to be 8 years old? That has nothing to do with this movie I just find that fascinating.

Anyways, the point of placing a bet is that the outcome is undetermined. If you bet someone will be killed by a drill, then he gets his face sliced off instead, why would that surprise you? You just bet $50,000 that he'd get a drill to the eye, what's to keep the bet makers from signaling the torturer to switch to the scalpel which has less bets? Why am I even discussing this movie this much? I feel like I put more thought into this review than the filmmakers did with the script.

Where's the cockroaches option?

"Hostel 3" is a boring movie with boring characters and boring deaths. Like an old rusted car it takes forever to get started and goes nowhere once it does. Skip this movie even if you are a fan of the "Hostel" series or of torture porn in general.

Bonus Round: Want to know what type of weirdos love these films? Check out these posts on IMDB.com!

MarkStuart-1: "it would be great fun.it would be a girl of course.get her clothes off(unlike in hostel 3 with the lame cockroach kill,she didnt get anything taken off)then choose some sort of nasty long lasting death.maybe something like a medieval torture sort of thing,like you were getting a witches confession.branding irons to her breasts and stuff like that.that would look good in hostel 4 if its ever made."

*You could write the script to Hostel 4! You already have better grammar than the writer for Hostel 3!*

TheDoofusBoy: "Murder is wrong. Torturing and murdering is really wrong. The people they are killing are regular innocent people. Killing them makes you evil. However, if the victim was a terrible criminal, or someone involved in the elite hunters club, I would do it. I'd get really creative and it would be slow."

 *uhm, Ok that makes no sense.*

NotSlowScott: "I just didn't like the final scene. I don't know! It felt tagged on. I agree with most people that Scott's wife wouldn't have agreed to watch Carter being tortured to death. She would’ve made him call the police. I also agree that Carter still needed to be killed in an inventive and poetic justice type of way. The final revenge scene should've taken place minutes after the place blew up. I think it would’ve been kind of cool to have Scott and the bald guy pointing a gun at Flemming and Carter, saying something like –“Here are your tools of destruction you two perverse monsters, now see how you like it. If you cross this invisible line, we will blow a hole through both of your freaking heads. Now give us your cell phones and while you are at it give us the names of the higher level people that are involved in this sick organization, so we can film you two idiots ratting everyone out before you fight each to death. As the final credits roll we see a YouTube confession from both of them; then we see Carter winning the fight, cutting Flemming to little pieces; then Carter says, “Scott...I won, let me go.”; the bald guy says that wasn't my agreement; then we see the bald guy going Medieval on a begging and sorrowful Carter. It would be gross. The last shot would be some kid watching the video on his phone, saying, “That is so fake.” 

*I watched this movie and don't know what the hell he is talking about, so don't feel bad if the above paragraph is confusing. Also, "Here are your tools of destruction you two perverse monsters" sounds like it belongs in a heavy metal song but the best part is his description of the final torture: "It would be gross." Thanks for filling us in there, Scott!*

And here is a thread underneath the headline "Cockroaches":

Clever-Username: You want a decent torture scene? Actually set up the scene first, really, just label the damned bottle "pheromones" or something. Then let her use her natural defenses.... hello teeth?
At least until she gets overwhelmed.

Where_Is_My_Mind09: stupid scene. And she's clothed the whole time. Why is this "(Unrated)" again??

Zharth: Lol, you're totally right! I wanted to see the cockroaches crawling all over her naked body.

*Yes, Zharth, that's what we all wanted to see: a naked woman being devoured by cockroaches. Oh wait, I have a picture of that! Just scroll down!*

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