Friday, November 1, 2013

"The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" - - Even This Review Is Disgusting

When I was a kid, I was an idiot.

One day, I was chasing my older brother around the church parking lot and the ground was wet from the rain. Long story short, I smash through a stained glass window and slash my hands to holy hell. I got a ton of stitches and then one day I tripped and fell and ripped those stitches out of my hand.

I'm telling you this story because, while it hurt, I certainly didn't die. The pain was manageable. So if my mouth happened to be stitched (or in the case of this movie, stapled) to another man's ass and he begins to have explosive diarrhea directly down my throat . . .either I'm losing my mouth or he's losing his butt hole. But I'm out of there.

"Hey, it's me, the guy stapled to your ass . . .could you make sure
 that dog food is gluten free? Thanks."

"The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" is the sequel to "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)" and heir apparent as the most distressing mainstream movie made in the past decade. There are other, more visually horrifying films out there but few have achieved the press and notoriety as The Human Centipede (THC for short) series has. Even "South Park" had an episode based on this concept. There's even a video game. So until we see "A Serbian Film" skit on SNL, I think it's safe to say this series will be the gross-out king for most people.

Buckle in, kids. It gets pretty bad from here on out.

"THC 2" is the story of Martin, an obese security guard who spends all night watching the original Human Centipede and all day scrapbooking about it. He also has no dialogue in the film. He's not a mute; several characters reference the fact that he has talked to them, we just never hear him. Other than giggles, screams, and masturbating-with-sandpaper-induced moans, Martin is silent. The first part of the movie, and the most interesting, focuses on Martin's life and why he's such a weirdo.  He lives with his shrieking mother who tries to get him killed by a skinhead and when that fails, tries to murder him herself. Why does she hate her son so much? Well, he was raped by his dad and his mom blames him for the length prison sentence that follows such horrible acts. And now, as an adult, he sees a counselor who seems to have more than a professional interest in the already emotionally and physically scarred man-child.

So is Martin being set up as a victim? Someone we should feel sorry for? I think that might be up to the individual viewer but I never felt that way. His actions compared to the violence done against him don't come close to weighing out. However, it did make him a more understandable villain than the first THC and it's "mad scientist" gimmick.

One thing that is interesting about Martin's characterization is the fact that he's not an idiot. He comes across as feeble-minded but his plan to sew 12 people together ass-to-mouth requires a lot of planning. Jason Vorhees is more of a victim of circumstance than Martin is. Vorhees is a force of nature who simply acts on impulses. Martin is rational enough to plan events out weeks ahead of time. If he had not become obsessed with "The Human Centipede" movie something else would have trigged his path towards mass murder.

Martin collects people from his job as a security guard job. Every night he watches people looking for their car in an underground parking garage and then he walks up to them and either hits them over the head with a crowbar or shoots them THEN hits them over the head with a crowbar. Anyways, all of his victims are basically an assemblage of every type of person that a fat, white, basement-dweller like Martin sees as "part of the problem." We have Alpha Males, attractive happy women, and black people. Basically it's like if the Internet could choose as victims, these are they people they would sew ass-to-mouth to each other. Tom Six, the director, knows his audience.

His audience.

There's a scene where Martin attacks a black family in the parking garage, but spares the toddler. He even tries to console him before putting him back into the car. It could be seen as his attempt at sparing the boy the pain that he himself had been subjected too, but I saw it more as the boy was too small for his centipede plans. And if you have any doubts about his one act of true kindness, it is quickly forgotten as he beats the kid's pregnant mom down with a crowbar.

The middle bulk of the movie is Martin bashing people over the head with a crowbar to knock them out which became tedious and/or hilarious depending on the situation. A smash to the skull is not like a rag of chloroform. Martin is lucky he didn't end up with a Human Centipede that couldn't even make it into the Special Olympics. Everyone gets bang on the head multiple times and at one point it becomes like Wack-A-Mole as he walks around his warehouse bonking people on the head. And thus we begin the biggest problems with this movie.

The last part, nearly 30 minutes long, is Martin assembling his centipede. There is a long scenes of:

1) Knocking a dude's teeth out with a hammer, then scooping the broken teeth out of his mouth like candy corn (I'd rather swallow broken teeth than candy corn by the way.)

2) Cutting ass muscles open and killing a guy that way.

3)Stapling peoples mouths to other people's buttholes.

4) Having asthma attacks.

The best drinking game in the world would be if you took a shot every time Martin has an asthma attack. It's pretty sad when the dude who's mouth is full of diarrhea can breathe better than you. I guess it's supposed to build suspense, but come on, every 5 minutes Fatty Magoo is reaching for his inhaler. You want me to believe this guy hauled 12 bodies into and out of a van by himself? You don't have to outrun Martin, you can out walk him. You can probably out-stand him.

It's like being hunted down by Stevie from "Malcom In The Middle."
You know . . .the black kid. Dude, you guys are racist.

Although it's a long time coming, Martin finally makes his human centipede. He marches them around and makes them eat dog food. He massages each stomach trying to get them to poop into each other's mouths but when that takes too long, he just injects them with laxative. Suddenly, the black and white movie now has one other color: brown. Brown splatters appear across the screen like shit hitting a window.  By this point I was rolling my eyes.

Here's the thing: torture has a breaking point. After I've been hit multiple times in the brain with a crowbar, had my butt cheeks cut open, had my mouth STAPLED to someone's ass . . .getting an injection of laxative into my butt is not going to make me scream. But the whole last part of this movie is people screaming. Over everything. The two inch needle poking me is the last thing I'm worried about.

Literally, the last thing.

Eventually, Martin wraps barbwire around his dick and rapes the centipede, the pregnant lady (who Martin thought was dead from *surprise surprise* head trauma) leaps up and runs out, right when she is ready to deliver her baby, and the centipede rips itself in half. What happens to the pregnant lady and her baby are too disgusting to describe even in a paragraph that starts off with, "Eventually, Martin wraps barbwire around his dick and rapes the centipede . . ." and Martin ends up getting his real (as in an insect) pet centipede shoved up his butthole where it bites him. Now I can't speak for everyone's butthole, but if you stuck a quarter in mine, 5 nickels would come out. I'm basically saying it's tight. So if I got a centipede stuck up there, I'm pretty sure one clench would take care of it. But no, in this movie it's the equivalent of being thrown out of the air lock in Total Recall.

Just imagine how bad a millipede would have been.

"The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" is not a movie I would recommend but with one caveat: if you are a horror filmmaker this movie is a must-see. Put aside all of the gore and disgusting imagery and you will see that Tom Six has the chops to be a huge presence in the filmmaking community. He makes the normal seem grotesque, and tension bleeds from every frame. Six has made his name with this disgusting series (soon to be, ugh, a trilogy) but I would love to see him tackle some more conventional horror themes with his style. A haunted house film by Six would be truly frightening. The man has talent and I believe for independent horror filmmakers his uses of lighting and locations should be studied.

In the end, though, unless you are a total freak devoid of all the comforts that society and humanity has, or you make films for those freaks, this movie has nothing for you other than really disgusting memories of it.

Somewhere, some one is masturbating to this scene.


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