Friday, September 27, 2013

"Smiley" - - 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree This Movie Sucks

*I am writing this review against my will but such is the arduous job of a critic. If I never wrote this, then I would eventually forget I ever saw it. But . . .my sanity must be sacrificed for the greater good.

There is a scene in "Smiley" about 20 minutes in where a bunch of people at an Anonymous party begin throwing empty beer cans at a guy named Binder while chanting "Pedobear! Pedobear! Does this get your Seal of Approval?!"

If nothing in the above sentence makes much sense to you; congratulations: You are a NORP. That's a Normal Ordinary Responsible Person. That's basically someone who uses the Internet for normal things like emails or reading the news. Maybe you chat once in a while with people around your age with similar interests.

You know, normal and ordinary stuff.

I knew exactly what they were talking about because I, like millions of others, exist primarily on the Internet and if we are disconnected it from it for too long we just bumble around like worker ants who had their scent trail wiped out. We tend to think of ourselves like Neo from "The Matrix" but really, come on, we're all just Pearl from "Blade."

Sunday, September 22, 2013

"Reel Talk" - - This Is The Norm For Internet Reviews.

First off, I have to say I use the term "first off" a lot.

But secondly, recently I had a discussion in the comments section for "Saturday Morning Massacre / Mystery" about critiquing movies. A reader had some very valid comments about my review and how mean it was.

In my response I wrote: "I may come across as mean but I try to balance it out with "this is why I am being mean." A lot of internet critics just like to bash movies because their "stupid, this movie is stupid and everyone who made it is stupid and should die." That's not what I want to do. I'll say "it's stupid to have a character hide LSD in a communal water jug because I, in my personal life, have never known four adults to drink out of the same jug on a regular basis." Maybe the director will read that and go "ha, yeah that's right" or "fuck him, it's my movie" or anything in between. But as a critic my job is to criticize things, and I try to be constructive while maintaining an element of entertainment to my reviews."

A few weeks later I reviewed "Come Out And Play" and afterwards I went online to look up any interesting facts about it. I gave the movie an OK review. It had some cool moments but it was nothing special.

But then I found this "review" from Tom Uglow on IMDB. I was going to comment on his review but I think it speaks for itself. This is NOT what I write. But this is usually what you read online, unfortunately. I wanted to post this as an example of what most people consider "insightful critique."

No spelling errors have been corrected, and the review can be found here. Makinov is the name of the director for "Come Out And Play."


Tom Uglow's Review of "Come Out And Play."

"Makinov, Makinov, Makinov. Where do I even begin? After simply throwing away an hour and a half of my life trying to endure your absolute poppycock attempt of a horror movie it has led me to try and tackle a review of what can only be described as simply the worst piece of cinematography ever to be witnessed by a human being. An agonising experience from the beginning, thankfully you took on most of the responsibilities in producing, directing, editing and writing subsequently managing to save other human beings from ever being involved in such an embarrassment as what "Come out and play" truly is. For the three actors who have put their name to this movie I wish them all the best for it is clear simply meeting you has caused them enough pain in their life that many are surprised they are still here living with us today. To suggest you are a stain on society would surely be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about you Makinov. It would startle any normal being to think that there is a chance you are still invited to Christmas dinner. You are a crumb Makinov. I know of people on the sex offenders list that I would have a beer with before you.

This is the first movie I have ever seen that does not improve on a black screen the entire length of the movie.The fact that you made a multitude of poor children have to live with the fact that they have not only met you, but featured in one of undoubtedly the worst movies in existence brings a tear to my eye. I had little intention in getting a good nights sleep after choosing a horror movie, however the only horrifying thing about Come out and play is that there was a man who's life was in such a desperate state that he felt that movie was worth releasing. To call this movie as dry as cardboard would be an insult to a highly useful packing material. Clearly you sir, are a coward, any decent man upon producing such a pathetic excuse of a movie would have done the right thing, purchased a length of rope and saved the planet from the chance of ever being exposed to such garbage ever again. Watching this movie is like sitting at a bus stop waiting for a bus you know will not come. The one redeeming feature of your film is the slight chance that the children departing on the boat manage to track you down and wear your fingers as a necklace.

Makinov I understand that the task of writing and producing such a film is a considerable task. To produce a high quality horror film is a task I would not wish to undertake, but I sure as hell could do better than that. Makinov what where you thinking? Your story line is shallow and nothing short of deplorable, your feeble attempt of music to build suspense has left me still unable to hear out of my left ear as I had never encountered such piercing rubbish before,
( there is a link to two turtles engaging in intercourse, it would undoubtedly be the most pleasant of the many awful sounds I had to endure listening to your drivel. If you want to save yourself the expense purchasing this movie, go into the kitchen, get your children to bang pots and pans together while screeching at the top of their lungs while you stand in the corner sharpening knives to stab through your eyeballs.

If you manage to wake up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror and feel proud of what you created, then I am quite sure there is a bed in a psychiatric ward somewhere with your name on it. God only hopes that they never release you back into society where kind strangers may come across your path of destruction. As the saying goes 'everything Makinov touches turns to filth'. If you have made a cent off this movie I highly suggest you donate it to charity, there are people in need we don't need dregs of society like yourself pocketing from anyone who has had the misfortune of seeing this movie. I would rather eat a golf ball and urinate it out whole than have to endure another hour and a half of that nonsense.

All in all, I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. I hated it! Every single second of this simply audience-insulting moment. I hated the insensitivity in the thought that any person may enjoy this film. Hated the blatant insult to the audience by its belief that any individual could be entertained by this incompetent piece of hogwash. Makinov if this in any way reaches you I would like to send my deepest condolences to the mother and father that had to raise such an embarrassment."


Friday, September 20, 2013

"Stitches" - - The 'Citizen Kane' of Killer Clown Movies

*Note: This movie is really, really gross. So be warned. This review is pretty gross too.

I recently said in my review for the legal drama/horror film "Killjoy Goes To Hell" that clowns do not scare me and I generally don't find clown movies interesting in general. I've had "Stitches" for awhile now but never got around to watching it. A clown movie. Gee, how original.

I watched the first ten minutes or so, where the titular clown Stitches bangs a clown groupie while sound effects played in the background. Ugh. Then he goes to a kid named Tom's birthday party and all the kids are mean to him but since he's already portrayed as such a jerk I didn't really have much empathy for him. Actually, at that point I didn't care about any of the characters. He ends up tripping and getting stabbed in the face with a butcher knife, then some other clowns showed up at a clown graveyard, and I paused the movie and took a nap.

Yes, this is literally the last thing I saw before I went to sleep.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

"The Lords Of Salem" - - With Pictures!

Normally, I'd write a review for "The Lords Of Salem." Actually, since this is a review site that is what I should do, but I'm going to cut right to the meat of the matter: this movie is supposed to be disturbing and it just isn't. And how better to show you then to take you on a pictorial essay of Rob Zombie's version of Hell.

First off, the basic premise of "The Lords Of Salem" is interesting. There's a song that when played causes all the female descendants of the witch burners of Salem to become possessed. That's cool, I can see a lot of jumping off points with that idea. But what we get is a "Rosemary's Baby-esque" journey of a local DJ name Heidi (Rob Zombie's real life wife Sheri Moon Zombie) who also happens to be a  descendent of the number one witch killer, Jonathan Hawthorne. She's stalked by ghosts, creeped out by visions, and eventually impregnated by Satan himself . . .who in this version is depicted as both a midget with no hands and genitals over 50 feet long or this guy:

Saturday, September 14, 2013

"Trailer Time" - - The Asphyx

When I was looking up the kick ass trailer for the terrible "And Soon The Darkness" I found this terrifying trailer for a movie I've never heard of but now desperately want to see!

The Ass-fix! I mean "Asphyx!"

"And Soon The Darkness" - - A Classic Whoduhit

First off, I have to say that is one of the coolest horror movie trailers I've seen in a long time. It starts off remarkably cheesy and becomes nightmare fuel. Something about those whispers . . .

Unfortunately, "And Soon The Darkness" comes nowhere close to being as entertaining as the trailer.

All of these "whodunits" tend to fall into one of two categories: Either the crazy guy who acts suspicious the whole movie is the killer, in which case the audience has to wait for the inevitable "That's why I was acting so crazy, cuz I'm crazy!" moment OR the crazy guy who acts suspicious the whole movie is actually the hero. And the movie just ends and they don't explain why he was acting so crazy the whole time.

No matter how you cut it, though, both endings are lame and the journey getting to the conclusion can either be thrilling and suspenseful or "And Soon The Darkness."

"Come Out And Play" - - Children Of El Maíz

I don't find kids creepy, just like I don't find clowns creepy. I know a lot of people find the idea of a little girl ghost creepier than a regular ghost, but I mean, it's a ghost it's going to beat you up anyways. Little girl hands just make the punches hurt less.

So the ghost twins from "The Shining" or the jump rope girls from "Nightmare On Elm Street" were always just kind of "eh" to me. It was the same when I saw "Children of the Corn." Did you know there are 7 sequels to "Children of the Corn?" 7. Why? Kids are not creepy!

Babies are, though. Babies creepy me out.

Not looking at babies, babies are cute and all. But if you think about what a baby is . . .(OK kids stop reading if you haven't heard this from your parents yet):

Step 1: A man and a woman have sex.

Step 2: The woman eats for 9 months.

Step 3: A HUMAN BEING crawls out of the woman!

"I used to be microscopic, and now I have a soul. Your dog doesn't even have one and he's been alive 10 years. Now I will pee in your face."

Monday, September 9, 2013

Reel Talk - - "The Gothika Incident"

*I have this crazy work schedule for the next week or two so it may be a bit longer before I get some new reviews up, but in the meantime I think it would be a good time to start my new feature, Reel Talk, where I tell you some crazy but true stories that have happened to me involving movies.

First up . . . The Gothika Incident.

The movie was trash. It was boring and it wasn't scary which are the two biggest death knells for a horror movie. I was a fan of Dark Castle, the production company behind this movie, "House On Haunted Hill" and (an old favorite) "13 Ghosts," so I went to see it even though I'm "eh" on Halle Berry.

I am sitting in the theater with my friend Craig and his daughter Jackie. The movie is chugging along at a snail's pace and a half hour in I realize this movie sucks.

But you know what makes a sucky movie even suckier? People talking.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

"Trailer Time" - - Robocop

I'm a huge fan of the original so I have high expectations. Don't let me down, Robocop!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

"The Hounds" - - It's A Loser Alright

I usually start these reviews off with a trailer of the film, but this time let's try something different.

I mean, what horror movie would be complete without it's own music video featuring a garbage bag wearing Evanescence knock-off?

That's not a fan made video. That music video is one of the Special Features on the DVD. Actually, it's the only Special Feature. You get the movie, scene selection, and "The Loser." Had I just watched the music video before I watched the movie I would have had a bit of a heads up into how bad "The Hounds" was going to be. But, alas, I did not. No, I wasted an hour and half watching two separate plots go nowhere as people screamed inches away from each others faces.

"The Hounds" is about three young adults going camping in the woods where they find a dead body at their campsite. Technically, that's what it's about but it takes a full 30 minutes before we get there. First we're bombarded with "character" development as absolutely nothing of consequence happens. We see the three camping kids and their friend hanging out, some dodgy looking people getting in and out of cars, and some slob talking to his wife on the phone.

I fell asleep twice during this first act so I had to re-watch several scenes twice. The things I do for this website . . .

Sunday, September 1, 2013

"Killjoy Goes To Hell" - - The Pelican Grief

Imagine that you rented "Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go To College."

Yes, that's a real movie.

You take it home, pop it in, and sit back hoping for some knock-off "Gremlins" action and instead are treated to an hour long dissertation on Kinseyian economics from the Rat Ghoulie. Congratulations, you have just seen "Killjoy Goes To Hell."

"Killjoy Goes To Hell" is part four in the "Killjoy" series. While the other three are about a demonic clown dispatching people in various clown-related ways, this movie is about a trial. A very long and boring trial in Hell with witnesses (A mime, a carny who can only speak carny, etc.), a DA (or "Devil's Advocate HAHA!), and all the other trappings of an episode of "Law and Order."

In short, it was very boring.

"KILLJOY IS GONNA GET YOU! Pursuant to clause 817, subsection B by the ratification of the 6th district of Hell, Killjoy has hereby been served to "get you" at a time and place of his choosing. The Court also holds up the right outlined in 'Baphomet v. Charlie Daniels' that an adjudicator must be present if both parties . . . "

I saw the first "Killjoy" years ago when it first came out and it was mildly amusing. I don't have that built in fear of clowns that most people have, so I never followed the series. Recently I got all three "Killjoy" movies when I bought a pack of "Demonic Toys/GingerDead Man" DVDs but I really had no interest in seeing them. But when "Killjoy Goes To Hell" popped up on Redbox I figured I'd give it a shot.

Some might complain that these movies need to be viewed in order. "If you watch the first three then "Killjoy Goes To Hell" is great!" But that's missing the point. Someone who is looking for a movie to watch stumbles across "Killjoy Goes To Hell" and there is nothing to signify it is part four of a series. Each movie has to stand on it's own. You could rent any "Nightmare on Elm Street" and that single movie works. It should make you want to go back and watch the other films. "Killjoy Goes To Hell" makes me hesitant to watch 2 and 3 because I am going to assume now that nothing really happens until the last half hour.

"Killjoy" is also something that I could see a 12 year old saying "Whoa, look a creepy clown! Let's rent this!!!" Then he gets home to watch Killjoy sit in a chair for the bulk of the movie.

I will give the movie credit for a few things: One, Killjoy is a pretty funny guy. Not like slapstick funny but the way he responds to people. Trent Haaga, who plays Killjoy under what seems to be two pounds of make-up, hams it up as a demonic version of Krusty the Clown. Mr. Haaga also wrote "Feeding The Masses" and "Dead Girl," two awesome zombie films. And there is not one but two hot chicks, Batty Boop and Jezebeth, that keep things on the screen interesting even when the storyline itself is dragging.

There's also this weird sequence when the mime bangs an old witch and gets a robot baby sewn into his guts, and the Carny clown builds and army of demon clowns to help Killjoy, but both of those things sound way cooler typed out than what they looked like on screen. Batty Boop also enters the real world and kidnaps Killjoy's last remaining victim to testify for him in court, but again, all that zaniness comes towards the very end of "I object-overruled-call-your next-witness" Perry Mason nonsense.

The last 10 minutes or so was pretty cool, but I fell asleep twice getting to that point. And in the end, the only thing that has changed for any of the characters is Killjoy forgets his name. Actually, everyone forgets his name so I don't know if that signifies the end of the series or if they lost the copyright to the name Killjoy, but one thing is for certain: I'll be more hesitant to rent a Killjoy or whatever they call him movie in the future.