Sunday, September 15, 2013

"The Lords Of Salem" - - With Pictures!

Normally, I'd write a review for "The Lords Of Salem." Actually, since this is a review site that is what I should do, but I'm going to cut right to the meat of the matter: this movie is supposed to be disturbing and it just isn't. And how better to show you then to take you on a pictorial essay of Rob Zombie's version of Hell.

First off, the basic premise of "The Lords Of Salem" is interesting. There's a song that when played causes all the female descendants of the witch burners of Salem to become possessed. That's cool, I can see a lot of jumping off points with that idea. But what we get is a "Rosemary's Baby-esque" journey of a local DJ name Heidi (Rob Zombie's real life wife Sheri Moon Zombie) who also happens to be a  descendent of the number one witch killer, Jonathan Hawthorne. She's stalked by ghosts, creeped out by visions, and eventually impregnated by Satan himself . . .who in this version is depicted as both a midget with no hands and genitals over 50 feet long or this guy:

So from here on out I'm going to show you some of the "shocking" images from the "terrifying" mind of "cutting edge" "director" Rob Zombie "air quotes." This is literally all that happens during the last five minutes of the movie. It's just a quick succession of shots to show us how scary (or cool) Hell is, but it comes off looking like a bad music video. Even worse than a Rob Zombie video, if you can imagine that.

Now, I'm not for sure if that guy on the goat is supposed to be Satan, but he does seem to get his freak on with Heidi right before she gets pregnant.

Although this could just be one of Rob Zombie's Christmas photos that
got mixed in with the rest of the shots.

But Heidi is a modern woman, she doesn't need a man to please her! No way, all she needs is a can- do attitude and a stuffed goat.

This is what I don't get: Why is it a fake goat? Is it for safety reasons? I don't think safety should be a big concern BECAUSE SHE'S IN HELL! Why not rent out a real goat? At least that would look a little less cheesy.

Just a little.

We're also treated to such "horrifying" visions of melting religious iconography:

We get masturbating priest demons

Whatever the hell these guys are

We get Jesus turned into a porcupine, which actually makes him ten times cooler looking.

Now we know why he always turned the other cheek.

We get ANOTHER trio of monster faces

We get . . .oh, no, seriously?

It . . .it wasn't even shocking the first . . .

Did Satan just install his Photoshop plugins or something?

So my review for "The Lords of Salem" is simply this: Good but wasted premise, and the acting is as bad as you would expect from an actress whose husband directed the film. Even with the slow, predictable plot, if the ending was terrifying or jaw dropping (which is really why I held out hope for as long as I did) this movie could have been redeemed. But like the Lord of Lies himself, this movie is destined to burn in unquenchable fires . . .or the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.

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