Monday, January 13, 2014

"Baby Geniuses 3" - - Where's Casey Anthony When You Need Her?

A long while back, a good friend of mine named Santiago had confessed something horrible that was happening to him that he was powerless to stop.

"My daughter, all she ever wants to watch is Godzilla (The Matthew Broderick version). Three, four times a day, it's just on repeat."

I worked at a movie theater when "Godzilla" came out. One of the privileges of working there was the free movies. Well, one day I had some time to kill so I went to the theater. Two "good" movies were playing at the time: "Godzilla" and "Deep Impact." The problem was "Deep Impact" was in theater 9, and there was a dead rat in there. It had been in there for a few days and despite several attempts we couldn't find it's corpse. Theater 9 stank so bad people would ask for their money back. Now, when you smell, what you are actually doing is inhaling the microscopic particles of whatever is causing the smell. So I knew I had a choice between watching "Godzilla" or inhaling decaying rat guts for two and half hours.

"Deep Impact" was a pretty good movie.

Friday, January 10, 2014

"Cat Shit One" - - Watershit Down

Oh "Cat Shit One," you know if any movie would bring me out of kidney stone induced retirement it would be something nonsensical like you.

"Cat Shit One" is the story of two rabbits shooting a bunch of camels in the Middle East. Iraq, presumably, maybe Afghanistan. It doesn't seem to matter. And that's the problem.

"Cat Shit One" is based on a comic book (or manga for you nerds out there) about an anthropomorphised Vietnam war. The rabbits were the US, the Viet Cong were cats, the British were rats, etc. No ninja turtles, so I never read it, but according to Wikipeida it's been an ongoing series since 1998. The Animated Series, of which there is only one episode released since 2010, updated the conflict an unnamed Middle Eastern country.

But you see, when I think of cats I don't think of Vietnamese people. The analogy doesn't quite work so it just is there. But when you portray Arabs as camels i.e. camel jockeys being a racist term, it's a little less fun and a lot more bigoted.

Site Update

Let's start with a little backstory:

Last November, I had started working on a project with a friend of mine. Dude's name is Jacob, talented actor, and we were hanging out at Taco Del Mar and talking about a surfing cyborg.

Out of that conversation came the idea for a kick ass movie that I'm writing and he's going to make. So after my last review I took a few days off to work on that script.

That's when the kidney stone came back.

I had a kidney stone earlier in 2013 and it was the worst pain. Yeah, OK, it wasn't cancer eating my bones bad, but it was pretty awful. They compare it to giving birth, but unless babies are wrapped in barbwire, I don't think they compare.

Baby = Soft

Kidney Stones = Not Soft. And not as buff either.

Anyways, that damned kidney stone is still banging around in there almost a month later. I'm ready to just up and donate my kidneys and get it over with. Sure, I'd have to be on dialysis, but that's kinda like being a cyborg.

But anyways, the point is, stone or no stone, awful pain or mind numbing pain, I have to keep this site going. I also have to finish that script. So starting today you'll see reviews start to pop up again.

Starting with . . .whatever this was.

The second big piece of news is we now have a new award we'll be giving out: The Joshie!

A good friend of mine recently bought me a pack of "creature feature" movies and said "Ha! I want to see reviews of all of these!" The movies include "Snakeman," "Skeleton Man," "Mosquito Man," and "Shark Man" amoung others. The joke's on him, because I love these movies so in his honor from here on out the best AND worst (non-superhero) movie with the word "Man" in the title will receive a Joshie.

The only thing he loves more than men is female space kangaroos.

So there we go. Sorry I've been out of commission for so long. Oh, and before I go, Mr. Youtube Kidney Stone, I feel your pain but it's writhing in pain, not ryething in pain.

Once a critic, always a critic.