"Robot Holocaust" - - They Prefer The Term "Robot Shoah"

"Robot Holocaust" is by far one of the most charmingly bad films I have seen. It is so bad you will spend most of the movie shaking your head in disbelief that this movie was not only made but has somehow survived to this day as a relic of the 80's movie scene.

After "Star Wars" made a splash as a fairly low budget sci-fi hit, the market became inundated with films trying to capture that same vibe. Movies like "Krull," "The Last Starfighter," and "Ice Pirates" along with countless others (well, I'm sure they could be counted if I had the time) tried to ape that special magic that turned "Star Wars" into a historic franchise. Few, if any, were successful.

But "Robot Holocaust" was such a poor attempt that it has succeeded in becoming a checklist for bad 80's sci fi movies.

1) Terrible Special Effects

There are very few laser guns in this film so the worst of the special effects are the matte paintings which are so bad it defies explanation.

2) Terrible Locations

A lot of these movies took place in castles made of plywood or shot inside industrial complexes. "Robot Holocaust" combines the steam works of Freddy Kruger's boiler room with the availability of anything outside.

3) Terrible Acting/Script

Most movies of this ilk don't have acting even half as bad as "Robot Holocaust." As you may have seen in the above video, Queen Valeria had all her lines from this movie edited into 2 videos. Yes, that's right, that 9 minute video up there has a sequel of some of the worst line delivery in sci fi history. She's gorgeous though, so it's bearable, to a point. But she's only one of ten actors you have to put up with as they give their best effort to read the worst lines.

God she's gorgeous

Ok, so moving on, so what's awesome about this movie? Why would I say "Watch this?"

For all of this movie's faults it won me over. It was like watching a group of middle schoolers stumble through a school play and, halfway through you want to leave, but something happens . . .something clicks, and you find yourself cheering at the end.

This movie has, oddly enough, the same set up as "The Matrix." Robots were built to be slaves for humans but they revolted. Now they force the humans to power them (by mining ore) and a hero name Neo shows up to save humanity.

On his journey he meets three young resistance fighters, an amazon queen, and a barbarian warrior who was raped by the amazon queen after his tongue was removed. (I can just imagine how bad his acting must have been to make the director go "Screw it, dude, you're tongue is ripped out, you got no lines.")

And of course, because it's the 80's, you have to have a gay robot!

That's not an euphemism either. This movie is very homoerotic, even by 80's movie standards. This movie makes "Top Gun" look straighter than Fred Phelps's ruler. The movie starts off with a five minute scene of two oiled up men wrestling as other men with suspiciously ripped shirts cheer them on. How did a bunch of slaves end up with shirts that are ripped to show off their abs? Where are they working, Penn State?

(Rimshot)

The homoerotic imagery doesn't stop there. When we first meet the mute barbarian he's tied up before being rescued by the heroes.

We get to see the robot, who seems to be stuck with the facial expression of someone who just saw this movie for the first time, fight through a cave of dicks.

Oh, you don't think those are dicks? Let's take a closer look.

So yes, this movie is very homoerotic which adds to that weird charm. It's a time capsule of a time where you could have a dick cave in your movie and people didn't really question it.

Anyways, so where this movie won me over was at the very end.

The heroes get their ass kicked. Hard.

This movie does not have a happy ending, and as I'm watching the final battle I realized I was actually concerned about the characters in this film. Over the hour and half of watching them fight mutants in Central park and a giant spider('s one arm), I had stopped shaking my head at the horrible film and began rooting for the characters. As they get killed off one by one, it starts to click that this will not end like "Star Wars" with swelling orchestras and medals and ceremonies. These characters are doomed even if they succeed in their mission.

This movie is bad, so bad that it's good. And at the same time, it's just good. It's charming and old fashioned and deserves to be watched even if you are laughing at it. In the end though, there is no laughter, just  . . .an odd silence and we are left with the lesson we've all be taught since time immemorial:

When the Robots have a Holocaust, nobody wins.