"The Tall Man" had two things going for it right off the bat:
An implied connection to the Slender Man mythos:
 |
| Art by ~GANGRELFUHRER |
 |
| Art by God |
Those are both two pretty good selling points for a film. I'm thinking maybe it's going to be a more realistic version on our dapper fella with no face and a taste for kids. And come on, how can you resist any move with Jessica Biel, right?
Here's the thing: This movie is very competently made. The directing is competent, the acting is decent, it has some suspenseful action scenes, and it stars probably the scariest dog on film since a security camera recorded a pit bull eating a meth addict's left testicle.
That could have honestly been the whole movie and it would be ten times more frightening. It's like when I went to see "Cool World" as a kid and was like "Whoa, that Brad Pitt guy is really cool!" And when I look back and remember "Cool World" I mostly remember Brad Pitt's performance.
 |
| Mostly. |
That dog, that dog is the new Brad Pitt. Bark Pitt. That honestly took me ten minutes to come up with.
So it has Jessica Biel, Slender man, AND Bark Pitt. The acting is serviceable, the directing is tight, the cinematography is moody and dark. So should you watch this movie?
Review without spoilers: It's an OK film with a plot twist so insanely offensive to both the viewers and to the general public at large. Is that enough to not recommend this film? No, but it's also not enough to recommend it. A mediocre film with a great twist is still a waste of time to watch. A mediocre film with a stupid twist is more than a waste of time; it's a waste of space.
Spoilers from here on out.
I don't want to recap the plot, so I'll jump right in. Jessica Biel is working with the Tall Man to kidnap kids from poor families and give them to rich people so they can be raised in a good environment.
The twist that she works for the Tall Man is revealed after a long chase sequence where we see Biel chasing A Tall Man, not THE Tall Man who has kidnapped her child.
 |
| A Tall Man |
 |
| THE Tall Man |
 |
| Mega Man |
But surprise! A Tall Man driving the creepy rape van that contains Bark is actually the original mother of the boy that Jessica Biel kidnapped before the movie started to prepare him for a life with a rich family on the east coast! Why is this desperate mother wearing a huge overcoat? Why is she 7 feet tall? Why does she drive a van that Jigsaw would think was "too much?" Who cares? It's a Twist!!!
That all happens in about the first half hour or so. The remaining (ugh) hour of the movie is basically Biel sitting in an interrogation room and people asking her where the kids are. She lies and tells them they're all dead so the parents can grieve, become drug abusers and/or alcoholics, and die always blaming themselves for the loss of their offspring.
But the kids? Ah, they're fine. After all, nothing bad ever happens to kids in rich families.
The conceit of the movie is that poor people are moral degenerates, which is insulting to probably half of the people in the world. It implies that rich people are naturally better at raising kids because, well, because they have money, I guess. Wasn't Mike Tyson rich? What about Roman Polanski?
Anyways, so that's just so ridiculous that it's only offensive to my intelligence. I think the worst part is the fact that if you had your brother/sister/child/grandchild/friend kidnapped in real life, if that actually happened to you or someone you know . . .this movie is implying that you shouldn't worry, they aren't rotting in an unmarked grave 20 feet off a service road, or making slave porn in some sex dungeon in Illinois. No, of course not, that's ridiculous! They're attending Ivy League schools and if they stayed with you, they'd end up like trash.
Like you.
The movie is mediocre, the twist is lame and insulting, and overall the movie is just "eh". I really can't think of a good reason to watch this movie although . . .
BONUS ROUND: While researching this review, I found a website where you can pay people to kidnap you. You know, cause it's the Internet and all.
No comments:
Post a Comment