"Transformers: Age Of Extinction" - - Really, dude? Transformium?

It probably won't surprise any of my regular readers that I'm a fan of Michael Bay's "Transformers" series. Now, before you hipsters choke on your $100 scarfs, first let me say this: Why is it that people who hate "Transformers" seemed to love "Pacific Rim?" They're the same movie, except in "Transformers" I can actually see what is going on instead of watching two . . .somethings wrestle 10 miles beneath the ocean surface. They both have the same flaws (awful humor, boring "character" development). So why does "Pacific Rim" get a pass.

*I think you should know how bad this movie is if I'm comparing it to Pacific Rim, but let's continue on anyways.

"The Human Race" - - More Like Human Waste

Oh man, I seriously don't know where to start with this one, so I'll just take this moment to let you know "The Human Race" has an actor named Creep Creepersin as The Blob. That's all the info we are given. AND THERE ARE NO BLOBS IN THE MOVIE! There's several fat people, but which one is Creep Creepersin? And does Creep really exist or is it an inside joke? Well, according to IMDB he does. Creep Creepersin has directed a mind-bogglingly 35 films since 2006 and even has a kid named Cyle Creepersin. And Creep Creepersin was in a band called, you guessed it, Blind Melon. No, just joking, the band was named Creepersin.

Dude, I'm sure you're a cool guy and all, but despite what IMDB says, I don't think you exist.

"The Entity" - - A Ghost Movie For Athiests

So it's been a crazy couple of weeks. Some health problems, working a crazy shift at work . . .

Here, let's get a close up:

49 Hours . . .

"The Conjuring" - - How I Spent My Dumber Vacation

If horror movies were high school students, "The Conjuring" would be the overachieving preppy girl intent on going to Harvard. What I mean by that is this movie seems scientifically designed to have all the elements that make a horror movie great, but at the cost of it's own soul.

Everything in this movie works, from the opening musical notes during the production logo to the acting, directing, cinematography . . .it is all above board. But let's go back to the preppy girl analogy. As long as everything is going according to the rules she sets up, everything is fine. But deviate from that prescribed course and it all goes to pot. Something that is so tightly wound up, so technically perfect, falls apart when it is no longer in control.

This is what I'm driving at: "The Conjuring" is a perfect horror movie . . .to see in a movie theater. But remove it from that context (i.e. watch it at home) and it turns out to be really, really boring and generic.

"13/13/13" - - Cheap Yet Chilling

The Asylum, the notorious studio behind such "mockbusters" as "Titanic 2," "Snakes On A Train," and "Transmorphers" seems to be morphing itself lately. When they first hit the scene back in the late 90's they were just another low budget production company that specialized in genre films, like Maverick and Full Moon Video. One of Asylum's earlier release, "King Of The Ants" is terrifying on a soul crushing level. I watched that movie when it came out, 11 years ago, and still can't get it out of my head. But then they realized the real money was in making fast movies with similar titles to current hits and rushing them to the shelves of Blockbuster so people could be "Grandma'ed" (A term my sister came up with, meaning you got the wrong movie because the title was so similar.)

And although in the past year alone they released "Atlantic Rim," "Android Cop," and "AE: Apocalypse Earth"; all riffs are recent films, there seems to be a departure from this business model. They tried coming out on a movie called "Age Of The Hobbits" claiming it was based on real life. This as when a major film studio finally did step in and shut them down. The movie was eventually released as the generic "Clash Of The Empires."

So what does any of this have to do with 13/13/13? The Asylum seems to be splitting in two: On the one hand they made millions off of their recent hit "Sharknado." The whole point of that movie, and it's marketing, is that it was terrible. But recent films like "13/13/13" show a self-aware need for Asylum to grow their brand past garbage filmmaking.

The problem is: "13/13/13" has a garbage budget and if you start off with steak and run it through a meat grinder, you never end up with steak again.