First off, I have to say I use the term "first off" a lot.
But secondly, recently I had a discussion in the comments section for "Saturday Morning Massacre / Mystery" about critiquing movies. A reader had some very valid comments about my review and how mean it was.
In my response I wrote: "I may come across as mean but I try to balance it out with "this is why I am being mean." A lot of internet critics just like to bash movies because their "stupid, this movie is stupid and everyone who made it is stupid and should die." That's not what I want to do. I'll say "it's stupid to have a character hide LSD in a communal water jug because I, in my personal life, have never known four adults to drink out of the same jug on a regular basis." Maybe the director will read that and go "ha, yeah that's right" or "fuck him, it's my movie" or anything in between. But as a critic my job is to criticize things, and I try to be constructive while maintaining an element of entertainment to my reviews."
A few weeks later I reviewed "Come Out And Play" and afterwards I went online to look up any interesting facts about it. I gave the movie an OK review. It had some cool moments but it was nothing special.
But then I found this "review" from Tom Uglow on IMDB. I was going to comment on his review but I think it speaks for itself. This is NOT what I write. But this is usually what you read online, unfortunately. I wanted to post this as an example of what most people consider "insightful critique."
No spelling errors have been corrected, and the review can be found here. Makinov is the name of the director for "Come Out And Play."
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Tom Uglow's Review of "Come Out And Play."
"Makinov, Makinov, Makinov. Where do I even begin? After simply throwing away an hour and a half of my life trying to endure your absolute poppycock attempt of a horror movie it has led me to try and tackle a review of what can only be described as simply the worst piece of cinematography ever to be witnessed by a human being. An agonising experience from the beginning, thankfully you took on most of the responsibilities in producing, directing, editing and writing subsequently managing to save other human beings from ever being involved in such an embarrassment as what "Come out and play" truly is. For the three actors who have put their name to this movie I wish them all the best for it is clear simply meeting you has caused them enough pain in their life that many are surprised they are still here living with us today. To suggest you are a stain on society would surely be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about you Makinov. It would startle any normal being to think that there is a chance you are still invited to Christmas dinner. You are a crumb Makinov. I know of people on the sex offenders list that I would have a beer with before you.
This is the first movie I have ever seen that does not improve on a black screen the entire length of the movie.The fact that you made a multitude of poor children have to live with the fact that they have not only met you, but featured in one of undoubtedly the worst movies in existence brings a tear to my eye. I had little intention in getting a good nights sleep after choosing a horror movie, however the only horrifying thing about Come out and play is that there was a man who's life was in such a desperate state that he felt that movie was worth releasing. To call this movie as dry as cardboard would be an insult to a highly useful packing material. Clearly you sir, are a coward, any decent man upon producing such a pathetic excuse of a movie would have done the right thing, purchased a length of rope and saved the planet from the chance of ever being exposed to such garbage ever again. Watching this movie is like sitting at a bus stop waiting for a bus you know will not come. The one redeeming feature of your film is the slight chance that the children departing on the boat manage to track you down and wear your fingers as a necklace.
Makinov I understand that the task of writing and producing such a film is a considerable task. To produce a high quality horror film is a task I would not wish to undertake, but I sure as hell could do better than that. Makinov what where you thinking? Your story line is shallow and nothing short of deplorable, your feeble attempt of music to build suspense has left me still unable to hear out of my left ear as I had never encountered such piercing rubbish before,
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMkCPCWbmZk) there is a link to two turtles engaging in intercourse, it would undoubtedly be the most pleasant of the many awful sounds I had to endure listening to your drivel. If you want to save yourself the expense purchasing this movie, go into the kitchen, get your children to bang pots and pans together while screeching at the top of their lungs while you stand in the corner sharpening knives to stab through your eyeballs.
If you manage to wake up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror and feel proud of what you created, then I am quite sure there is a bed in a psychiatric ward somewhere with your name on it. God only hopes that they never release you back into society where kind strangers may come across your path of destruction. As the saying goes 'everything Makinov touches turns to filth'. If you have made a cent off this movie I highly suggest you donate it to charity, there are people in need we don't need dregs of society like yourself pocketing from anyone who has had the misfortune of seeing this movie. I would rather eat a golf ball and urinate it out whole than have to endure another hour and a half of that nonsense.
All in all, I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. I hated it! Every single second of this simply audience-insulting moment. I hated the insensitivity in the thought that any person may enjoy this film. Hated the blatant insult to the audience by its belief that any individual could be entertained by this incompetent piece of hogwash. Makinov if this in any way reaches you I would like to send my deepest condolences to the mother and father that had to raise such an embarrassment."
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