"Horny House Of Horror" - - I Don't Pay For Women Or Water, Because I Get Them Both Free

So, originally I was going to review "Starry Eyes," a horror/thriller about what it takes to be famous. I was also considering "Sinister," or the mind-bogglingly good "Coherence." But as I sat down to eat Thanksgiving leftovers (thanks Mom!), I popped in a movie in this movie. Because what goes better with turkey and mashed potatoes than this image shown at the start of the film.

I have no idea what is going on in this picture, and I'm okay with that.

After pausing the movie, washing my brain, and watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation while I regained my appetite and finished my meal, I sat back to discover the wonderful, horrifying film that is free on Youtube known as "Horny House Of Horror."

"The Babadook" - - The Hipster Boogeyman

Wow, that trailer looks creepy!

And all movies are good as their trailer, right?

"The Babadook" is the Kickstarter-funded horror movie that supposedly wowed critics at Sundance but once again makes me think either all other critics are idiots or I am. The jury is eternally out on that one.

Style over substance is the name of the game here. While "The Babadook" does it's best to show it's a legitimate horror movie with the right lighting, cinematography, and sound, in the end it slams the breaks and says "Nope! I'm not a horror movie, I'm a REAL SERIOUS FILM!"

Either a scene from "Schindler's List" or "The Babadook," I don't remember.

"Hazard Jack" - - Dishonorable Discharge

It's always a bad sign when a trailer for a movie is only 42 seconds long, Well, technically it's 32 seconds long; the last ten seconds is a blank screen and the sound of heavy breathing.

Oh, if only the whole movie was as entertaining as those last ten seconds.

"Hazard Jack" is the story of a crazed serial killer who suffers from  . . .wait, I'll let the movie explain it:

OK, but there's an incomplete sentence down there. "Or" what?

OHHHHH,

"The Signal" - - Call Waiting

You can't have it both ways. You can't have a "deep" movie and then ask the audience to turn their brains off when something stupid happens.

Case in point: about an hour or so into the terribly paced and unimaginative sci-fi thriller "The Signal," one of our characters has robot forearms and he punches the ground. We then see a slo-mo explosion as guards start getting tossed by the shockwave and instead of being wowed by a cool moment I was wondering how his shoulder wasn't instantly dislocated.

Why robot forearms? Why not replace the whole arm? What about the upper body?

What is the signal? Who sent it and why?

Is this Kristen Stewart?

No, not the plank of wood, the girl in front of it.

None of these questions and more are left unanswered during this dull flick. (Maybe the Kristen Stewart one would have been answered during the credits but I couldn't watch any more.)

New Reviews Coming . . .But First!

My brother, my mom, and I were watching a slew of movies recently, and one of them was "Alien Showdown." The disc we had, however, was continuously skipping from scene to scene at random.

When this part suddenly got skipped to halfway through the scene I realized we had no sense of context to what the two scientists were talking about. I restarted the scene and whispered to my little brother: "Dude, imagine in this whole scene they're talking about my dick."




As the scene plays out, my brother and I are laughing hysterically. My mom asks "What are you guys laughing about."

My brother and I exchange a look. He says "Nothing." I stop the movie and rewind it and say, "Mom, so watch this scene and imagine their talking about my gentials."

"Jason!"