"Sideshow" - - Dull and Disappointing

"Have you seen enough?"


Yes. Yes I have.

I have to admit: I'm a fan of movies like "Sideshow." Carnivals are creepy, sideshows are terrifying . . .I mean, OK I know they don't have the "freaks" any more, but as a kid there was always that shadow of terror that crept over me when I walked past those dirty multicolored curtains hiding the world’s biggest alligator or other freaks of nature.

 I am also terrified of movies where people mutate or turn into things. Whether it's the Island of Dr. Moreau, or zombie movies, or Something Wicked This Way Comes, whatever. The idea of trapping a human in the mind of a beast is, to me, one of the most disturbing ideas in horror.

 So when I started up "Sideshow" I was like "Hell yeah!"

 The movie starts off with a guy on the run from the freaks. Then he falls down and starts crawling away and the leader of the freaks says: "Crawling on your belly? That's a fitting place for you!"

 Oh shit! This guy is going to turn into a snake and the movie just started!

"I was once a man! Oncsssssssss a man!"


Oh that's hideous! Wait . . .he's not a snake . . .he's . . .he's just holding a snake. That's not a punishment, that's a religion in the Ozarks.

"But he looks like a monster," you say. "Clearly he has been turned into a beast!'

Well, here's what he looked like when we first see him:

"You can turn me into a beast, but please, don't make me change my shirt!"

From the looks of it, in the process of turning him into half man/half man holding a snake, the sideshow freaks took the time to apply some Neosporin to those nasty claw marks because he's fully healed by the time we see him as part of the show.

Almost every other transformation is given away in the trailer: The girl who wants a hot body is given a hot body BUT NO FACE dun dun dun!

Sideshow, starring Kyra Sedgwick

While another girl is turned into a . . .tiny girl in a jar.

"So, you know, you're still DTF, right?"

The guy in the wheelchair, what's his punishment?



Well, that makes sense. I've known a few people in wheelchairs throughout my life, and every single one of them would give up their freedom and humanity to be able to jump and have a bitchin' nose ring.



"I wish the carnival would come to my town . . ."

The bully character turns into what is described as what is inside his soul or some other bullshit. You can tell my patience is wearing thin because for each one of these lame transformations I have to add a photo and then describe it in a way that is more entertaining than the actual film. So the bully, the bad guy of the group of teens who is constantly harassing people, making fun of the freaks, and just acting like General Douchebag, what do you think his "inner being" is?

If you guessed anything other than Squeakie the Human Canary then congratulations, you did not write the script for "Sideshow."

The make up, wow, he looks exactly like a canary!

Finally we are left with the hero, the morally neutral character of the film. So what's his punishment?

 

Listen, I watched this movie twice: once to review it and a second time finding the clips and pics to post the review and that ending still doesn't make sense. Also in the above clip you'll see all the other sideshow freaks like Digestina, who puts stuff in a green juice to eat them. But does a person fall into the juice and slowly dissolves away? Of course not, that would be stupid.

"Sideshow" was boring. It was slow (most of those transformations don't happen until the last half hour) and painful to watch. In the end, I think people who find themselves watching this film were cosmically doomed to find themselves in a place and time when "Sideshow" was on.

And that, my friends, is the cruelest punishment of all.

*Sqwuak!*