"Thale" - - Well, Uhm, OK

There are some movies that you just watch with an impassive expression and when it's over you shrug your shoulders and think, "Well, that was just OK."

I wish "Thale" was that good.

"Thale" is the "story" of two friends who work together cleaning up dead bodies. Damnit, I'm going to have to look their names up to write this review but I really don't want to put that much effort into but I know for sure one of the lead characters is named Elvis which is a little ridiculous. This film is from Norway and maybe it's a popular name up there, but for most people this is Elvis

Not This

If I made a movie and had a character named Obama who WAS NOT President Obama it would be distracting. Character names are important! I actually have been watching (it's quite terrible I can't make it all the way through in one sitting) a movie called "A Beer Tale." It's the comedy (in theory) of two brothers trying to perfect their parents beer recipe.

The brothers' names are Corey and Luke . . .Frankenstein. Seriously? You're going to name your two main characters after a 8 foot tall killing machine? Why in the world . . .

The secret ingredient: They throw a little girl in each batch.

The mind boggles at why anyone thought that name was a good idea.

Anyways, back to "Thale," Elvis and Leo are cleaning up a dead body and they find a secret room. That secret room has another secret room and inside a bathtub full of a white liquid that I really really hope is just milk there is a naked chick who sleeps while hooked up to a gas mask. I think the movie is supposed to be a mystery but it's pretty apparent she's some sort of creature beacause the movie poster and trailer give that fact away.

The acting is awful, and that's saying something considering I had the choice between an English dub and the original Norweigian and both were ear-scratchingly bad. At first I thought Leo was a cool unshakeable Fonz type of character but by the time he announces he has lung cancer with the same delivery as "hand me that bucket" I realized he's just a terrible actor.

This is one of those poorly constructed movies where after Leo announces "I have lung cancer" we see Thale use her magical powers to bring a wilted flower back to life. Hmm, I wonder what's going to happen at the end? Thale can also communicate telepathically by touch which is unfortunate for us because when she touches people we get long periods of exposition about how she ended up in the secret room. And if that's not enough, there is a tape deck playing even more exposition for most of the movie. You can't blame this movie for holding information back.

What you can blame this movie for is having no real reason of being. It could have gone the route of an updated fairy tale, but it's too technical. There is no sense of the fantastic present. It feels cold and sterile. "Nico The Unicorn" had this feeling of wonder through out the film. This one is filled with boring exposition and, oddly enough, a fight scene between Thale and some armed thugs.

This is easily the worst product placement for 3M since "The Scotch Tape Massacre." 

So maybe they're going for the science/reason overcoming nature theme? I'd buy that but then what's up with the happy ending. Leo gets cured of cancer! Elvis's reunites with his daughter he mentioned only twice before and he seems surprised by her appearance even though she is siting three feet away from him! Is it magic? Or is this movie just bad?




Seriously, where did she come from?

So I ask: What is the point of this movie? It's not thought provoking, or scary, or interesting. it does not elicit joy or sorrow or excitement. It is not about the follies of youth or the mortality of the aged. It just simply exists. It's has a much substance as a PowerPoint presentation. 

Here's the thing: When I watch Transformers or Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Duece Bigalow, whatever it is, I don't expect many, if any, layers to it. But if a movie isn't built from the ground up to elicit an immediate emotional reaction (a horror film, a comedy, etc.) then it needs to have something else to make the movie work. A message, a meaning, a morality tale, whatever it is, a movie has to have a reason behind why this story is being told.

For Thale, the reason seems to be they could get a hot chick to take her clothes off.

And they're making a sequel. Ugh.

I really, really, really hope that's milk.